Portia's POV
Here's the thing people like my mother
don't seem to understand... Modeling is fucking hard. She seems to
think that I want this. I wish I could let myself be fat and ugly.
It's hard to diet. It's hard to watch people gulp down food and I
can't partake. The hardest part is watching people I love with their
judgmental eyes. I miss being able to be around them. I stopped
seeing them since I got tired of hearing the same lecture. They just
never understand.
I looked in the mirror at my belly. I
sucked in and placed my hands over my navel pushing my stomach hoping
if maybe I pushed a little harder it would stay that way. I sighed as
it bounced back to where it originally was as soon as I lifted my
hands away.
Of course it did, don't pretend you
don't remember the bowel of carrots and ranch dip. Fucking fat ass.
I
frowned at the voice in my head and quickly turned from the mirror. I
stepped on the scale fearing the numbers that would pop up... 88
pounds. I'd gained two pounds. Well fuck. I had a shoot today and I
had lost my will and now I was 88 pounds. I should call in sick. No..
That wouldn't look very professional.
You're not good enough to be a
model. Everyone feels down right sorry for you. You disgusting fat
dyke.
“I know!” I
scream at the voice in my head. I get in the shower and turn the hot
water on. I let it burn my skin. I didn't even bother taking my bra
and panties off. I just needed to escape the truth and focus on my
burning skin as I sobbed. “I'll try harder... I'm sorry...” I
apologized to the rational side of me, the side that knew those
carrots were a bad idea. I had let the impulsive side of me win.
My skin was
turning an ugly red from the heat of the water and it was beginning
to go numb. I reached for the tap but quickly pulled my hand away.
This was my punishment. I had to punish bad behavior or I would keep
doing it. I took my bra off and the first blast of hot water on my
breast made me gasp and almost scream. I took a deep breath and
willed my mind to focus on the shower. I needed to get ready.
Ellen's POV
I was setting up
my camera when I saw her. Her long blonde hair pulled behind her head
was still damp. Her green eyes looked unfocused as she stared
straight ahead of her. She wore only a robe as she waited for
wardrobe to come get her. She was tiny. I wondered if she was
naturally that thin or if she had some kind of illness.
I stared at her
until wardrobe came and whisked her away. She never even noticed me.
I sighed and shook my head as I went back to setting up. She would be
here in about an hour.
It actually took
45 minutes before she was standing next to me. She forced a smile,
now normally fake smiles looked terrible but hers was breathtaking
and I craved to see her real one.
“God you're
beautiful” I said lightly and the smile fell from her face and she
looked away from me, her thick blonde hair falling over her face to
successfully hide from me.
Portia's POV
God how could she
mock me like this. I already knew that I looked terrible today, I had
eaten to much yesterday causing the weight gain and I spent my
morning crying. I could only imagine how puffy and red my eyes still
were. I took a deep breath and flicked my hair back over my shoulder
and stared into her crystal blue eyes. Of course she had to be the
sexiest photographer they could have gotten, making me ten times more
self-conscious then normal.
“Are you going
to take the robe off?” She asked. A slow sexy smile spreading
across her face. I felt the blush creep up from my chest. I closed my
eyes and slowly took the robe off. I kept my eyes closed until I
opened them and my eyes raced over everyone looking down my fat body.
I could feel them judging me.
They all are
angry that you don't take your job seriously. BUT I DO! Obviously you
don't by all that fat on your body.
“Why don't you
guys wait outside. I got it from here.” The photographer said over
her shoulder. Everyone slowly left the room and she waited for the
door to shut behind them before she walked up to me. She took the
robe from my hands and draped it over her arm before offering me her
hand.
“I'm Ellen. I'll
be working with you. I understand it must be hard getting undressed
for a complete stranger, to feel so vulnerable. So if I tell you
something completely humiliating we have to be friends right?” She
paused long enough for me to nod slightly. “I used to have an afro.
It looked completely ridiculous. The worse part, I continued to get
it done for two years. I could bring you in a picture of it
tomorrow.” She said and I looked up at her short and messy blonde
hair and tried to imagine an afro over her beautiful face. I chuckled
at the mental image. She smiled at me and slowly walked backwards to
her camera.
“You ready to
start?” She asked and I nodded.
The Next Day
I was on the floor
with my feet hooked under the couch as I pulled myself up to my knees
again. My abdomen burned from the effort. There was a knock on the
door and I jumped to my feet pulling my baggy shirt over my head.
“Come in” I
called. Ellen walked in and I was surprised at the biceps that bulged
on display thanks to her tight muscle shirt. It took me a moment to
realize she was holding something out to me. I quickly reached out
and took the object flipping it over I realized it was a picture.
“As promised.”
She said and I slowly grinned at the picture. It was funny than I had
imagined. I looked up at her and smiled.
“I like this
look much better.” I said. She grinned as she looked at the floor.
Her head shot back up as she took a deep breath.
“Hey, We don't
start shooting for another two hours, do you want to swing by the
coffee shop and get something for breakfast?” She asked. The smile
fell from my face. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to
spend more time with her.. but food? I couldn't trust myself.
“I-”
“Before you say
you can't, It's on me” She interrupted with a sly grin. Did she
think that was my problem? That I couldn't afford it?
“I ate before I
came in.” I lied. She looked at me skeptically.
“Let me just buy
you a coffee then.” She said. I hurriedly added it up in my head.
If I had just one black coffee then nothing until tonight where I ate
half a saucer of plain rice with chop sticks, I should be okay.
“Yeah sure
coffee sounds good.” I responded. I held up the picture and she
grinned at me.
“Keep it, you
never know when you might need to blackmail me.” She said and I
grinned. I pulled my wallet out and showed her that I was placing it
in. She smiled and reached for my hand. I placed my hand in hers and
she pulled me out the door.
The coffee shop
was packed with people rushing on their way to work. Ellen asked me
what I took in my coffee and I told her, then she told me to find a
place for us to sit and she would take it to me. I smiled and
realized we hadn't let go of each others hand since my dressing room.
Suddenly the idea of letting go made me incredibly sad.
She brought my
hand up to her lips and lightly kissed it. Normally I would be afraid
of what everyone else thought but for that one fleeting moment, I
couldn't think of anything but those ocean blue eyes that were
staring right into my soul.
“Next!” The
shout of the cashier startled us both out of our trance and she
dropped my hand and smiled apologetically.
“I won't be
long.” She promised before nodding towards a table. I turned and as
I walked quickly glanced around the shop. I felt like everyone was
staring at me. I sat down and looked at the table with my arms folded
over my stomach. How ironic is it that the model didn't want anyone
to notice her.
“Told you I
wouldn't be long.” She said as she slid my coffee to me. I smiled
at her as she sat down. Her hands lifting a bagel to her mouth.
“unlike you I didn't have the good sense to eat before I came in.”
She stated. I forced a chuckle as I watched the cream cheese ooze out
of the bagel with every bite she took. She held half the bagel out to
me. “Want half?” She offered.
The rational part
of me screamed No! But my belly rumbled at the thought of cream
cheese and a crunchy bagel. I took it into my hands.
“Thank you.” I
said lightly before biting into it. I tried to chew slowly. I didn't
want to look like I hadn't eaten in years, but my mouth worked in
over time. I chewed quickly, not even thoroughly. I could feel chunks
of bagel tear at my throat as I swallowed. Before long the bagel was
gone. As I looked at my empty hands I realized what I had done.
“So how long
have you been a model?” Ellen asked casually taking a sip of her
coffee.
“Excuse me for a
second.” I said and rushed to the bathroom. I slammed the stall
door shut behind me and let myself panic. I felt the tears slip down
my face as my breathing became ragged, like I had just run a
marathon.
I told you! You
can't be trusted. You fat piece of shit. You don't deserve your job,
your life or that woman. You are nothing. You are pathetic.
With that mantra
running in my head I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and
forced my fingers down my throat. I felt my stomach and throat
contract around my gag. It took only another couple of tries before I
felt my vomit burning up my throat. The bagel hurt more coming up
than it did going down and I felt the tears burn in my eyes.
Ellen's POV
I walked into the
bathroom and heard the worse retching sounds I've ever heard. I
slowly and quietly shut the door behind me. I turned back and went to
the only occupied stall.
“Portia? Are you
okay?” I asked.
“Yeah...
Just..uh... Acid Reflux...” She stated. I heard her tear off some
toilet paper and flush the toilet before opening the stall. “Sorry.”
She said sadly. I looked down and noticed her fingers wet with
saliva. It hit me. She hadn't actually eaten this morning, she wasn't
just naturally skinny and she wasn't just a fast eater. She was
starving herself and she couldn't help gulping down that bagel, but
she regretted it. I made the decision to play along with her story.
“Maybe you
should go home and get some rest today. I'll explain I sent you home
cause you weren't feeling good.” I said.
“No.. no I have
to work.” She said.
“I don't think
it will be productive if you are feeling sick today.” I continued.
“I should be
okay now. Really.” She replied.
“Please, just
take the day to take care of yourself. I hate seeing you sick like
this.” I stated and placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked sadly
at her reflection in the mirror behind me. I could see it all clearly
now. “Okay?” I asked.
“Okay..” She
whispered. I smiled and took my phone from my pocket. I kissed her
cheek. “Get some rest. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow.” I
said squeezing her shoulder and walking out of the bathroom.
I sat at the table
and watched her leave. I stared at her untouched coffee cup and
texted the crew to let them know Portia had been sick and I sent her
home. Then I went to the internet and in the search bar I typed in
'Eating Disorders'
Portia's POV
I glared at the
cup of yogurt in front of me. I knew I didn't deserve tonight's cup
of yogurt... but damn I wanted it. I sighed and opened it up. I smelt
the sweet scent of it.
Remember the bagel? Fuck,
the rational side of me couldn't let it go. I turned on the tap and
waited until the water was to hot to touch and then I cried as I
filled the yogurt with the water, watching the sweet treat I wanted
so badly melt away. I cried at my loss of yogurt as much as my loss
of self-control. I dropped the container into the sink and dropped
down to the floor. I immediately started doing sit-ups. I had to
punish myself badly to stop this behavior. My stomach growled in
protest.
“You
fat cunt!” I screamed at myself through the sobs. I pushed harder,
trying to silence the voice mocking me... if I just pushed harder it
would stop. But it just got louder.
A
knock on the door stopped everything. Now the only sound was the
running of the water. Who would be here? I shut off the tap and
finding my robe I covered myself walking to the door. I slowly opened
it to see Ellen standing nervously outside.
“I
know this is really creepy... But I asked your manager where you
lived.. I was worried about you and... I don't know it seemed like a
good idea, now I'm kinda feeling like a creeper.” She said, blowing
out a gust of air and thrusting forward a bouquet of roses. I
couldn't help but chuckle. She sure was adorable when she was
flustered. I took the flowers and smelt the beautiful fresh smell.
You
aren't nearly good enough for her. This means nothing. You're fat and
no one wants to date someone as fat as you! SHUT
UP!
I screamed back at the voice. I wanted this. I wanted this hope. But
of course the voice wouldn't let me have it.
“Do
you want to come in? I'm afraid I don't have much to drink but
water...” I said with a little grin.
“No
no, I can't stay but do you want me to pick something up for you? I
know you're sick..” She asked.
“That's
sweet but my mother is already on it.” I lied and she stared at me
a moment, like she saw through it before slowly nodding.
“Well
I should go. Try to get better.” She said and wave slightly before
walking away. I watched her until I could no longer see her and then
shut the door. Try to get better? That's strange. Most people just
say feel better soon. I took the roses out of the paper and a white
envelope fell to the floor. I grinned and picked it up placing it on
the counter. I made short work of filling a vase with water (over the
cup of wasted yogurt) and placing the roses in it. I put them on the
table and stared at them for a moment.
I
went back and stared at the blank envelope and wondered what was in
it. I imagined a million different scenario's before I finally
couldn't take it anymore and ripped into the paper.
Hi
Portia,
Listen, I don't want to upset
you, but I'm worried about you. I know you and I don't really know
each other that much yet. Maybe I'm overstepping. I know today wasn't
acid reflux and I want you to know you are not alone in this. Around
24 million American's suffer from an eating disorder. Eating
disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and
I'm worried I won't have the honor of truly getting to know you. I
have attached a list of therapist in the area who specialize in this.
Also on that page I have written my cell phone number. I am here if
you ever need someone.
Sincerely,
Ellen DG
I turned to the attached page to see a list of names, addresses and
phone numbers. Fuck her! Who the hell does she think she is? A
fucking psychologist? How does a fucking photographer have the
authority to diagnose me with anything? She has no fucking right. She
stays behind the camera she has no idea how hard it is to be in front
of it! I don't have an eating disorder! I have a job that I take
seriously. I ripped her letter in half and threw it in the sink with
the yogurt, soon the roses followed. And I ran with tears in my eyes
to my bed.
The Next Day
“Hey Portia, feeling better today?” My stylist asked.
“Yeah acid reflux was really acting up.” I responded.
“Oh honey, I know that feeling. Well I'm happy your back.” He
said before going to work. The rest of my time with him was spent
with him grunting over the choices of clothes.
I walked out and almost walked smack into Ellen. Her hands
immediately flew to my shoulders to steady us and for a moment I let
the shock waves of her touch take over my body but almost as quickly
I remembered.
“Hey Por-” She began but I shrugged off her hands and shot her
with a deadly glare.
“Don't! Listen I have to work with you but that's it. You only
talk to me about poses in front of the camera, you can forget about
anything else.” I shot and rushed past her only to turn on my heel
and go back to her. “And what gives you any kind of right? You
don't know me! You assume cause I get sick the one time I have an
eating disorder? Fuck you.” I spat and as the anger boiled in the
pit of my stomach I turned back around and walked away before it
consumed me. I slammed the door to my dressing room and slid down the
door. The tears were back. I was so damn emotional lately. Also my
legs didn't feel like they could support me much longer.
There was a soft knock at the door and I ignored it as the tears
fell freely down my cheeks. I felt light headed. I groaned as my
stomach contracted. I had forgot to eat my ten peanuts this morning.
I hadn't eaten since I threw up that bagel yesterday morning. I stood
on shaky knees, the combination of the stress of this event and
probably the lack of protein in my body made the world spin around me
like I drank to much vodka. I opened the door.
“Portia, please just-” Black.
Ellen's POV
She didn't look good. She was pale and obviously crying. I couldn't
back out now I began to speak, but as I did I watched her sway
dangerously then suddenly she was collapsing forward. I instinctively
reached out and caught her as she collapsed against my chest. I
easily picked her up and pushed into her dressing room placing her on
the couch and taking out a cell phone dialing 911. I checked her
pulse and made sure she was still breathing. Both were good, it was a
relief to know she only passed out. I tried to stay calm on the phone
with the dispatcher. I didn't know the answer to most of her
questions, but I was sure to include that I suspected an eating
disorder. I heard the girl sigh disapprovingly on the other end, I
felt anger at the obvious tone of judgment in her voice as she asked
questions about that. No wonder no one talks about it, with a
response like that.
I rode in the back of the ambulance as they rushed her to the
hospital. Her blood pressure was low and I took out her cell phone
looking through her contacts for her mother. I finally found it and
dialed the number. I explained the situation and she was silent on
the other end.
“and you're her partner?” the way she said partner with such
distaste told me all I needed to know about how she felt. I guess
Portia was gay.
“No, just a co-worker.” I said baffled at how that was her first
question after all that has happened.
A Few Hours Later
I sat silently beside her mother. She sat with a perfect, very
uncomfortable looking, posture. She stared straight ahead. I
scratched my head nervously then looked at her.
“did you know about all this?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“did you try to get her help?”
“Yes”
“What happened?” I asked leaning in curious.
“nothing” She said, not breaking her staring contest with the
wall. I frowned. I slumped back in my chair and pulled at my clothes.
“I'm here now, you can leave.” She said.
“I... We're kind of friends and I would like to stay if that's
okay” I said lightly.
“what do you mean, kind of friends?” Her voice was icy and her
head snapped to me.
“Well.. We were friends but then I tried to get her to see someone
for her eating disorder and well.. She doesn't like me very much
anymore.” I said lightly. She nodded understandingly and turned
back to the wall.
“She doesn't understand that it's not a healthy diet. She doesn't
think she's doing anything wrong.” She said softly and I realized
she was finally opening up to me.
“How can we make her see?” I asked lightly.
“We can't” Her voice was cold again and she stood up and walked
away from me, into the nurses station, leaving me sitting alone
thinking of anything that could maybe help Portia.
Portia's POV
I slowly blinked my eyes open. My throat hurt. It smelt like
sterilizer. Everything was a bright white. I suddenly realized this
was a hospital, and the pain in my throat was from a tube. They were
pumping food into my body! I reached up to grab the tube but two
hands grabbed on to mine to stop me. I looked to the side in a panic
to see my mother.
“Don't... you'll hurt yourself.” She stated. I tried to talk but
the tube made everything sound like a bunch of gibberish. She stroked
my arm softly, like she used to when I was a kid and I had a bad
dream. Strangely it still had the same calming effect.
“I guess now's the time to talk to you, since you can't
interrupt.” Mom said. There was a sad but joking tone to her voice.
Here it comes the normal lecture. She took a deep breath.
“I'm sorry I've done this to you.” She said then paused. I
turned slightly to look at her, confused. This wasn't how it normally
went. “I preached and preached to diet when you were young. You
want to be a model? You need to diet. Then I never said anything when
I noticed it beginning to go to far. I thought... She's a smart girl
she will realize soon. But you didn't it just got worse and worse-”
She paused to sob and I wanted to tell her to stop, I was fine, but
the tube in my mouth prevented and words. “Oh Portia! I never did
anything! What if you would have died today? I would have lost my
little girl and I would have to live the rest of my time knowing I
didn't do anything!” Mom laid her head on my shoulder and sobbed.
She gripped my hospital gown as if should she let go I would run from
her. “You're sick baby girl and you look sick. You were... are such
a beautiful girl... but you look like your terminally ill.” Mom
cried taking my face in her hands and kissing my cheeks. She sat back
down and stared at the door, something running through her mind.
“And your gay.” She stated, her voice husky from her tears. This
made my eyes water. I knew mom hated that. She despised my sexuality
more than she ever despised my fat. “And.. I'm sorry it's hard for
me. But I love you still Portia. I love you still.” She cried never
breaking eye contact with the door. “I wanted grandchildren and to
go to your wedding and I'm sad because... It won't ever happen now.”
She paused and a small grin stretched on her face. “But for a
co-worker to sleep on a plastic hospital chair to make sure you are
alright.. Well she must think I'm blind.” Mom chuckled and my eyes
widened.
“Ewwen?” I tried around my tube.
“Ellen.. Yes. She's still on the same chair that shes been on
since you arrived yesterday morning. And maybe I never let myself
believe that you could find someone to love you like that if you
were... gay... but I watched her sleep and jolt awake at every little
sound. Then I see that look in your eye from her name somewhere
between panic and joy.” Mom chuckled lightly and shook her head
looking sadly at the ground.
Ellen's here? There is no way I can let her see me like this! Wait..
I'm supposed to still be mad at her right? Shit shit shit. They are
pumping food into me! How did I forget this?! I needed to get out!
The annoying beeping of my machine told of my increased heart rate
and mom held my hands tightly as I fought her to tear the tube from
my mouth. Nurses rushed in as my tears began to fall. They pushed mom
back and took my hands as I flailed trying to escape their grip.
“Portia?” I froze.
“Ma'am you can't-” The nurse stopped as they realized my heart
rate slowing and my body still frozen.
Ellen's POV
She looked terrified. She was sick and scared and they crowded her
and fought her like she wasn't even human. I walked closer and took
her hand from the nurse. Tears formed in her eyes.
“Can't you take that tube out now?” I asked, her mother slowly
approached the other side of Portia's bed.
“No, we think we should-”
“Here's the thing, in the US it is illegal to force-feed anyone.
Given the fact that she was unconscious when she arrived I understand
you were able to make that call but I can clearly see she was
struggling to take it out, She is obviously conscious enough to make
that choice, so I believe you, by law, have to take it out.” I
said. I felt Portia squeeze my hand and I smiled lightly down at her.
I watched carefully as they grudgingly removed the tube. I offered
her a cup of water to sooth her throat. She gulped at it until it was
empty and handed it back. I could feel her mothers eyes watching
every action.
“Would you like more?” I asked lightly and she shook her head. I
placed the cup on the side of the table and nodded. “Well I'm sorry
I interrupted your time together... I just I heard.. I was worried...
Sorry. I'll just go back and leave you two-”
“Actually can you stay with her? I would like to go home and take
a shower and I don't want to leave her alone.” Her mother
interrupted and I nodded slowly. She leaned over the bed and kissed
Portia's cheek lightly. “I love you so so much baby girl” She
said lightly and then blushed at the display of affection in front of
a stranger. I waited for her to leave the room before I sat next to
her and I took her hand. She looked away and I saw her body shake
slightly. She was crying.
“We are practically strangers. I know that. But there is something
about you that drew me in right away. And I know you are upset with
me but if you would give me the chance.. well naturally I'm a curious
person and I would love to find out what it is.” I said lightly.
“I'm nothing special” She murmured. I chuckled sarcastically.
“Well that's just a boldfaced lie.” I stated. “But I suppose
that's what the illness would have you believe.” I finished. Her
head whipped around and a fire sparked in her eye.
“I'm not sick.” She attempted to shout, but her voice was still
scratchy from the tube.
“Oh okay. I'm sorry, do you have a history of passing out then?”
I asked.
“Don't be a dick.” She stated and her bottom lip quivered. It
was a shot to my heart. I didn't want to make her upset. I took her
hand and placed it over her rib cage, making her feel the bones
there.
“If you felt this on an animal, the bones sticking out just like
this... wouldn't you call the shelter. Report animal abuse? Because
when it's not on you, you know its not healthy. Don't you for a
second believe you are not worth being healthy. I'll be the first to
admit your job puts way to much pressure on models. To be perfect and
beautiful. But yet they will turn a blind eye to an illness like
this... But I wont. I will not stand by and watch someone starve
themselves. I believe every human deserves better than that.” I
said. Her chest rose and fell with her sobs. I pulled her tightly
into my arms and her body shook against mine. The shocks that I was
getting used to shot through my body just from being in contact with
her. “I will go through this with you. I will fight every demon you
face right by your side.” I whispered. She nuzzled her face into
the crook on my neck and I felt her tears gather there and then slide
down my shoulder to my chest. “You're not alone Portia” I
whispered.
Portia's POV
they said I could go home today, since there was nothing left they
could do for me. The nurse made a joke that I would be here again in
a few weeks right outside my door and they both laughed. I glanced
down at my hands. I was a joke.
“Hey, how about a little compassion? Or how about instead of
standing around talking, do your damn job” Ellen shouted glaring at
them. Both their laughter died as they looked at her angrily before
walking away.
“You didn't have to-”
“You're not a joke.” She said immediately, taking my hand in
hers to help me up. I didn't let go of her hand. It was comforting,
since I truly believed she would protect me from the world. She
smiled lightly and guided me to my mothers car. She held the door
open for me and helped me in, only then did I let go of her hand.
“Come with us?” I asked. I looked at my mother who looked over
at me and then slowly nodded.
“Yeah Ellen, get in.” She said. Ellen smiled and shut my door
before hopping into the back seat. She sat directly behind me and I
stuck my hand between the seat and the door, searching for Ellen's
hand. I felt the warmth of her hands cover mine completely. It was
still incredible to me how such a simple touch from her could calm
me.
“Porshe... I was thinking of stopping at McDonalds... you used to
love the chicken nuggets... would it be okay if we..” Mom was
struggling.
“I'm... I'm not hungry mom.” I said looking down. I was always
hungry that was a problem. Ellen squeezed my hand. It had been a few
hours since the tube in my throat.
“Just a happy meal baby girl. Please. You don't even have to eat
it all right away.” She said lightly.
“The problem is I will eat it all! I won't be able to stop myself
ever!” I shouted. Mom winced at the tone of my voice but I was to
angry to be sympathetic. I shook in my anger.
“Well good. You need some meat on your bones.” Mom said lightly.
“Fuck off.” I mumbled.
They want you
fat. They don't want you to be thinner than them. They want you fat
and ugly. The voice told me.
“What
if we share one.” Ellen said lightly.
“I
tore the list.” I stated looking back at Ellen. “I tore the list
of therapist.” I clarified. Ellen nodded lightly.
“I
saved them. I figured you wouldn't take it right away.” She
whispered.
“I...
I don't want a therapist. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you mom.
I'm sorry I'm so scared of being fat... I'm sorry I'm fucking
pathetic” I started to cry and my mother quickly pulled over and
Ellen let go of my hand to wrap her arm around my seat to hold me
firmly against the back of the seat. My hands came to rest on her arm
as mom wiped my tears.
“You're
not pathetic baby. You're not” Mom whispered.
“I...
I can't stop thinking in my head. I see my ribs Ellen I really do. I
see my arms and I know its to thin. I do-” I lifted my shirt and
pinched at my stomach “But I can't get rid of this! Or my thighs!
It sticks there and never goes away!” I cried and mom took my hand
away and laid her hand flat on my stomach.
“I'll
tell you what that is my darling. Its loose skin, from excessive
weight loss. Not fat” She whispered lightly. I shook my head and
looked out the window.
“We
will get through it. You're beautiful Portia. Don't listen to your
head, it's lying to you” Ellen said lightly. I saw mom tense up
when Ellen told me I was beautiful but she quickly relaxed herself. I
grabbed Ellen's arm tightly. I took a deep breath and battled the
voice in my head.
“Alright.
I'll share with Ellen.” I said lightly, I cringed at the thought
but tried to ignore the feeling of dread. Mom touched my face
lightly.
“To
McDonalds.” Mom said before turning back onto the road.
Ellen's
POV
She
looked terrified as I opened the box of chicken nuggets between us.
Her mother- who I was now told to call her Margaret- watched her
every move. I opened up the honey packet, that her mom helpfully told
me was Portia's favorite when she was a kid, and placed it closer to
Portia.
“Just
give me-” She started.
“I'm
not handing you a certain amount, you take as much as you want.” I
cut her off. Her eyes pleaded with me and I felt terrible. Part of me
just wanted to hand her some but I knew deep down that I would just
be enabling her. With a shaking hand she picked up one piece and
stared at it. I could see her gulping back her fear as she dunked it
into the honey and raised it to her mouth. She let out a deep breath
before she finally bit into it. Her body relaxed around the taste of
her favorite childhood food and a single tear leaked from her eye. I
caught it on my index finger and wiped it away. Her eyes stayed
locked on mine and in her thoughts her chewing slowed down.
“Ellen,
I was hoping you could stay with Portia tonight. I was going to but I
have the baby tonight so that Mike can go out on a date night. If you
can't I'm sure Mike will understand.” Margaret said. Portia was
glaring at her mother.
“Oh..
I don't want to make Portia uncomfortable.” I began.
“It's
fine. You don't make me uncomfortable. I kinda don't want to be alone
tonight anyway.” She said lightly. I smiled at her and nudged her
with my shoulder lightly.
“Then
I would love to.”
Portia's
POV
My
apartment is practically empty. It's not that I can't afford
anything. I have more money than I know what to do with, I just never
saw the point I guess. Well I guess I don't trust myself in stores.
There is always a food place somewhere close and again I have a lot
of money that I don't know what to do with and a stomach that's never
satisfied. Ellen looked around and stuffed her hands in her pockets.
She smiled nervously at me.
“Do
you want to watch a movie?” She asked.
“I
don't have a TV” I said lightly.
“How
are you living in this century?” She teased. I had this
overwhelming need to feel her touch. It seemed like we were standing
miles away. She was looking at me with a look that spoke only of
affection. She had been with me through this whirlwind of the last
few days and I needed to have her touch at this moment. Before I put
to much thought into it I stepped forward and closed the distance
between us. My lips found hers easily and I molded my body to hers.
Her arms instinctively wrapped around me as I licked her bottom lip
asking for entrance. Her tongue met mine and I moaned into her mouth.
She is one hell of a kisser. It had been so long since I had any kind
of intimacy and my body reacted quickly to her. Her arms tightened
around me as she deepened the kiss and she slowly backed us up. I
broke the kiss to lift my shirt over my head and immediately found
her lips again as I began working on the buttons of her shirt. I
pushed the soft material off her shoulders and it felt like her skin
was on fire when it touched mine. Her hands suddenly closed around my
hips and pushed me back.
“We
shouldn't do this... I don't want to be a distraction to your
recovery.” She said. Her chest was rising and falling quickly and I
couldn't tear my eyes away from it.
She
doesn't want you. You're not good enough.
“It's
not that you're not good enough.” She said as if she was reading my
mind. “I mean, I want to so bad right now.. I just.. I care about
your health.” She said lightly, letting her finger trail down my
ribs. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what she saw. I nodded
slowly.
“Yeah
of course.” I said. No matter how hard I tried, the sting of
rejection burned in my chest and I turned away from her grasp and
grabbed my shirt slipping it on and walking past her again into my
bedroom.
“Portia...”
She called out after me but I ignored her flopping down onto my bed.
I buried my face into my pillow and tried to fight away the tears.
How can I be foolish enough to think that someone as sexy as her
would want someone like me. I didn't hear her come in but I felt her
weight settle onto the other side of my bed.
“I
really do want to.” She said lightly. I looked up at where she sat
on my bed, her shirt still lying on the floor out in my living room.
“If
I told you it wouldn't affect my recovery?” I asked and she tilted
her head.
“Would
it be a lie?” She countered. I looked down at my pillow sadly. I
couldn't promise it. I didn't even know for sure if I wanted to eat
like them. Her hand's rubbed small circles in my back.
“When
you're better.” She said lightly.
“If
you don't find someone else by then.” I said sadly.
“Right
now my number one commitment is helping you get better. So there will
be no one else.” She said and I felt her slid down and wrap her
arms tightly around me, pulling my back against her chest.
“My
first kiss in three years and I get rejected.” I teased.
“Three
years? Since you been with anyone?” She asked and I nodded slowly.
Her lips touched my neck lightly.
“Once
you're better, I will take you on a real date. Go to a fancy
restaurant, walk along the beach, I'll kiss you under the moon light
with only the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Then we will
sit watching how the stars reflect off the water and I'll hold you
tightly against me, just like I am now.” I smiled as I closed my
eyes and pictured what she was saying. “And I'll tell you all the
cute little quirks that I noticed about you by then, I'll brush your
hair back-” Her hand came around sweeping my hair from my neck.
“And kiss you're neck softly.” Her lips touched my neck lightly
and she lingered there and I felt it throughout my body.
“Ellen,
if you keep doing that, I'm not going to be able to control myself
anymore. Remember it's been three years.” I warned and I smiled as
she chuckled behind me. I turned around to face her and look into her
crystal blue eyes. I draped my arm around her waist and chewed my lip
nervously as I drew small circles on her bare hip.
“Can
I just kiss you one more time?” I asked. She smiled softly.
“Is
that a good idea?” She asked.
“I
think it's an excellent idea.” I countered.
“I'm
also walking a tightrope with my self-control.” She said.
“Even
more reason.” I grinned at her. Her hand cupped my cheek as she
pulled me closer and our lips met again. This time it was a slow and
gentle kiss. Not full of the need and lust of earlier but of pure
emotion. Her kiss screamed of caring. It made me moan just the same,
but for completely different reasons. I had a hard time believing
anyone would truly care about me, but when she kissed me like that, I
could never deny it.
“God
I love that sound.” She groaned. Her hands holding onto my shirt
tightly.
“Then
make me do it again.” I grinned. Her lips crashed onto mine again
and I rolled us back until I was on top of her.
“It
won't affect anything?” She asked between kisses as she pulled my
shirt over my head.
“No.”
I responded crashing my lips on hers as she unhooked my bra. I let it
fall down my shoulders and she pulled back to look at me. I felt
incredibly self-conscious under her gaze. Her hands closed over my
tiny breast and her thumbs ran over my erect nipples causing me to
throw my head back and moan deep in my throat.
“Promise?”
She asked, sitting up to take the flesh from my neck gently between
her teeth and I gasped lightly.
“Fuck,
Ellen I'll promise you anything at this point.” I admitted. My body
on fire. She easily flipped us over until she was on top of me and
slowly sliding down my pants. Now the only thing between her and I
were my underwear. Her hands traveled up my legs painstakingly slow.
I cringed as her hands touched my fatty thighs and she paused there.
No no no, fuck no. I hoped she wouldn't stop now. I felt her lips on
the inside of my thighs. She kissed them lightly and rubbed her hands
up the outside of my thighs. I felt the tears well up in my eyes.
“You
are so incredibly beautiful Portia. And god you have sexy legs.”
She groaned taking the skin of the inside of my thigh between her
teeth causing me to buck my hips and gasp. “I'm not going to make
love to you tonight Portia.” She said lightly kissing down my leg
to my ankle.
“Ellen
Please.” I pleaded shoving my hands into my hair.
“I
don't think it's a good idea right now”
“It's
a bloody great idea.” I countered. Ellen chuckled as she kissed
from my ankle to my thigh on my other leg.
“In
due time baby, I will. When your ready.” She said. My chest
exploded when she called me baby but I forced myself to stay on
topic.
“I'm
sure if you checked you would be able to see how ready I am.” I
said. Ellen chuckled. She was back on top of me.
“You
are very tempting Portia De Rossi, but here's the thing. My moral
code won't allow it.” She said twirling a strand of my hair between
her fingers.
“Fuck
your moral code.” I said and she chuckled kissing my lips quickly.
“Get
some rest baby. We gotta get up bright and early tomorrow to grab
breakfast on the way to work.” She said falling beside me and
pulling me against her.
Portia's
PO V
A
light stroking on my ribs woke me up. I kept my eyes closed but
smiled as the event of the night before came rushing back.
“You're
still here.” I whispered. Part of me expected to wake up and find
that Ellen was no where to be found. She kissed my bare shoulder
lightly and I remembered just how naked I was. I went to wrap my arms
across my stomach but Ellen caught my hands and held them to her
lips.
“Of
course I am beautiful” She said lightly, kissing my hands. I
groaned and for the millionth time I felt my eyes burn with tears. I
wished that I could see what she claims to see from my body. “And
as much as I would love to stay in bed with you all day like this, we
need to get up and get ready for work and grab some food.”
“I
don't eat in the morning.” I said quickly.
“You
don't eat ever.” She countered. It felt like a gun shot to my heart
my eyes snapped open and I saw the regret in her eyes.
“Portia,
I'm sorry-”
“I'm
going to shower.” I said getting up and shutting the door to my
bathroom behind me, my chest hurt and I slowly slid to the shower
floor after turning it on. The hot water pelted my skin. I was a
charity case to her wasn't I? She didn't want me, she wanted to play
the hero that saved the poor girl from herself.
“Portia,
this water is way to hot.” Ellen said adding cold water, I didn't
move from my position on the shower floor and then I felt her strong
arms wrap around me and her bare chest pushed up against my back.
“I'm sorry that was incredibly insensitive for me to say. I-” My
anger was boiling at her and I broke from her arms and turned to face
her, I was only stunned by her muscular body and its affect on my own
momentarily.
“What
do you want from me?” I shouted.
“I
want to-”
“You
want to save me from myself, yeah I got that. I don't need you. There
is nothing wrong with me!”
“Portia-”
“Just
stay away from me! I don't need you. I don't need help!” I shouted.
“Should
I stand by and watch you kill yourself then?” She asked, crossing
her arm over her chest.
“I
would prefer it yes.” I shot glaring at her.
“I
understand your upset with me.” Ellen said lightly.
“Why,
why do you care? You don't even know me. Why does it matter.”
“I
told you why.” Her voice was so low.
“Cause
I'm some kind of special to you. All that bullshit. Yet you're going
to tease me, make me feel like I have some kind of chance with you
and then make some kind of excuse to not be with me. You don't really
want me, you want to be a hero.” I shot.
“Do
you really think that or are you just trying to hurt me?” She
asked.
“That's
just what you showed me.” I said sadly closing my eyes trying to
fight back the tears. Her lips crashed onto mine, her arms wrapping
around me pushing my chest to hers.
“Is
this what you need for me to prove it to you?” She asked. There was
a fire in her eyes as she nipped at my neck. “I need to make love
to you to prove myself?” She asked kissing the spot her teeth had
just grazed. My mind was a whirlwind of what I wanted, what I knew or
what I thought I knew. Ellen pushed me back until I was lying flat on
the bathtub floor with Ellen kneeling between my legs and her mouth
working on my collar bone.
“Ellen...”
I said lightly, my anger very quickly melting. My body was screaming
for her not to stop, but my head was telling me that It shouldn't be
like this for our first time. Not because I yelled at her, not
because she felt like she has to prove something to me. Something she
easily proved with the fire in her eyes. Ellen's lips closed over my
nipple and her teeth scraped across the sensitive nub. I gasped at
the feeling and my fingers tangled into her wet hair. The water
pounding over my body only heightened the feeling in my body. “God
Ellen I need you.” I groaned. My body winning the internal war.
“Please, Ellen, Please kiss me.” I pleaded and Ellen's lips were
back on mine in seconds, her tongue pushing into my mouth, not asking
for permission, but demanding. I raked my nails down her back, her
thigh pushing against my clit sent a jolt of pleasure through my
body. She pulled back and looked into my eyes. She pushed my wet hair
from my face as her hand traveled slowly down my body.
“Tell
me you believe me” She whispered, her thumb flicking over the
sensitive nub between my legs and two of her fingers positioned at my
opening. I nodded slowly closing my eyes and arching my back trying
to pull her into me. “Look at me Portia.” Her voice was thick
with need. I snapped my eyes opened and looked at the storm raging in
Ellen's light blue eyes. I groaned with her as she slowly filled me,
my arms instinctively wrapped around her shoulders and held tightly
to her. Ellen's lips closed on mine as she slowly made love to me
under the pounding water of the shower. I moaned into her mouth. The
tears started again as she pulled back to look lovingly down my body.
I looked down and tried to see what she saw in that moment.
“Please
don't leave me El.” I said lightly as I looked back at her and she
smiled lighty.
“I
don't think I could even if you truly wanted me to.” she said. And
I pulled her to me again.
Ellen's
POV
I
was angry at my break in self-control. I knew we weren't out of woods
yet. There was still so much she had to face and now I added
something more. She sat quietly picking at the carrot muffin I
convinced her to eat on the way to work. Everyone would know the
second we walked in. Our hair damp, lips bruised. She looked up and
smiled at me. Her eyes searched for approval. I reached and touched
her face lightly and smiled.
“You're
beautiful.” I whispered. She blushed and looked down at her muffin.
“And I'll tell you everyday. A million times a day if I have to,
until you believe it and even after.” I said and she nodded sadly.
Picking another small portion of her muffin and stuffing it in her
mouth. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows and I smiled and
nodded looking back at the road.
Everyone's
heads turned when we walked in and I could feel how nervous Portia
was, I took her hand and led her around the corner. I looked to make
sure no one was looking. I kissed her swollen lips lightly.
“Go
to your dressing room and get ready, I got to go set up. I'll see you
in front of the camera.” I said and she nodded leaning into kiss me
again. I watched her walk away and she turned back before she
disappeared around the corner and offered a little wave. I smiled and
waved back.
It
struck me I had slipped into a relationship with her after our
morning together and I cursed myself for it. She wasn't ready. I
sighed as I walked to my camera and began setting up.
“Your
late.” John said and I turned and nodded lightly before turning
back to my tripod. “So was the model.” He continued.
“Yeah.”
I said, trying to sound uninterested.
“Whats
going on?” He asked.
“Don't
you have a job to do?” I asked.
Portia's
POV
I
sat in my costume, If you could call lacy lingerie that, as my make
up artist tried to cover up the marks from love-making that Ellen
left. I looked into the mirror and smiled as I felt the pleasant ache
that Ellen left in my body. For the first time in a long time I
didn't hate my body. It was covered with Ellen. I could still feel
her on my skin and I think it would be impossible to hate anything
that was connected with Ellen. My make-up artist was staring at me
and I realized I was smiling. I blushed and looked down. I heard her
chuckle before going back to work.
Ellen
kicked everyone out of the room again and I smiled at her as I
dropped my robe from my shoulders. She groaned from behind her
camera.
“They
are trying to kill me.” She groaned. I chuckled and she snapped a
few pictures. About forty-five minutes in I realized that I never
actually posed and she never asked me to. We just continued flirting
and laughing.
“Come
kiss me.” I said. She smiled then laughed.
“Dressed
in that? I won't be able to keep my hands to myself.” She said.
“Good.”
I said walking slowly towards her. She snapped pictures quickly until
I reached her and kissed her roughly. My arms circling her neck. “Why
don't you strip down and let me take pictures of you?” I purred and
she laughed.
“Because
my job is behind the camera and I feel much more comfortable here.”
She said. I began unbuttoning her shirt. She looked down at my hands
and grinned. “You're not going to accept that are you?” She asked
and I grinned slowly shaking my head. I pushed the shirt from her
shoulders and kissed her collarbone.
“You
know I never got to repay the favor this morning.” I purred against
her skin.
“I
don't think here is the best place to do that.” She groaned.
“After
work, straight to my house. I want you in my bed with me all night.”
I whispered against her ear. Unbuttoning her pants. A low moan
vibrated in her throat.
“After
we go out for supper?” She asked. My hands paused on her pants. I
took a deep breath.
“I
don't want to go out... What if we just order in or something...” I
whispered.
“I'll...
I'll go out and get some stuff we can make together... do you know
how to cook?” She asked and I grinned shaking my head, pulling her
pants down her legs until I was kneeling at her feet. She looked down
and smiled.
“God
this is such a great view” She mumbled. “I can't cook either, so
this should be fun.” She chuckled. I helped her step out of her
pants. I kissed from her navel up, pulling her close to me I kissed
her before slapping her ass.
“Get
over there sexy.” I chuckled. Ellen sulked over to the space where
I had been standing not to long ago.
“Don't
look so sad.” I laughed snapping pictures of her. She stuck her
tongue out and I shot my head back in laughter.
Ellen's
POV
I
had never been more appreciative for Google as I was at this moment.
It told us what to buy and gave us a detailed description of every
step. Which was great for cooking novices like us. Portia sipped at
her water while I chopped vegetables. I was praising myself in my
head at how well I was doing when the knife slipped and sliced down
the side of my index finger.
“Fuck!”
I cussed at the pain that surged through my finger. I immediately
dropped the knife and wrapped my hand around the wound holding it
over the sink. Portia jumped to her feet turning on the water. She
took my hand and rinsed the blood that began to drip from my finger.
She reached over for a dishtowel and wrapped it around the wound.
“Are
you okay?” She whispered applying pressure over the towel.
“I
think my pride is hurt more than my finger.” I mumbled. Portia
chuckled and kissed me lightly.
“Accidents
happen.” She whispered. Portia turned and after inspecting to make
sure I didn't get any blood on the food, she began cutting the rest
of the vegetables.
We
ate in silence. I watched Portia mostly push her food around. I have
to admit it turned out pretty good. Portia ate a quarter of her
plate. She looked up sadly at me.
“I'm
full” She whispered.
“Thats
okay.” I said. I thought of the muffin she ate for breakfast and
the bowl of fruit for lunch. Her stomach must be shocked at the
amount of food it had taken in today. She forced a smile as she stood
up to put everything away. I stood and placed a hand on her shoulder
she turned around with tears in her eyes.
“I
know it's hard for you. I know how strong you are just from the
effort you're putting into this. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy
you're doing this. And you, Portia De Rossi, are so fucking
beautiful.” I said lightly. She smiled and kissed me lightly.
“Thank
you” She whispered.
Portia's
POV
I
woke up wrapped tightly in my blanket. The soft material rubbing on
my bare skin. I turned to see Ellen, but she wasn't there. I stared
at the empty space where she should be for a few moments. Of course
she wasn't there. Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time
before she realized I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth her time.
This knowledge didn't stop the tears from burning in my eyes again. I
grabbed her pillow and buried my face in it. It smelt like her and
that only brought on the tears harder. I allowed myself to sob into
her pillow as I curled around it. She left me, my only shot at
happiness left me here all alone, secured in my blanket.
“Portia?”
Ellen's voice was soft but I still jumped. I turned to face her, my
face soaked with my tears.
“I..
I thought you left me.” I sobbed. She rushed over, placing a plate
on my bedside table and scooping me into her arms.
“No
baby, no. I'm here.” She whispered, kissing my head. “I just
wanted.. I made you breakfast. I wanted to give you breakfast in
bed.” She said kissing my face. I looked over at the plate of
scrambled egg and 3 pieces of practically burnt bacon. I kissed her
lightly before leaning over her and grabbing a piece of bacon. Before
I thought to much about it I stuffed it into my mouth. If this would
keep Ellen with me, then I would just be fat and have her with me.
She smiled and kissed my nose.
“Sorry
I kinda burnt it.” She said lightly and then shrugged. “I'm not a
great cook” She chuckled.
“It
just the way I like it.” I said forcing a smile. Bacon was so
fattening. She grinned.
“Liar”
She chuckled kissing my head. “But I appreciate you trying though.”
She said.
She
passed the plate and I sat it on my lap as I leaned back against my
pillow. She slowly stroked my naked torso as I ate. As I picked up
the fork and forced the eggs into my mouth I looked over at her. She
was staring at my ribs with a concentrated face as she traced them.
“What
are you thinking?” I whispered.
“How
unforgiving this illness is... how it could happen to someone as
beautiful and sweet as you.” She said not breaking her
concentration on my body. I still didn't think I was sick. I knew she
thought I was so I didn't say anything. I just nodded slightly. She
leaned down and kissed each rib individually. I was very rapidly
losing my appetite. It was strange that before I couldn't stop myself
once I started. Now with the guarantee that I would be eating more
later, I lost my hunger after a few bites. I shoveled the last bite
into my mouth and held the plate up to her inspection. She took the
plate and placed it on the bedside table again before pulling me on
top of her.
“Good,
now I get to really wish you a good morning.” She said kissing me
roughly.
Ellen's
POV
I
sat behind my camera. I had another client today and Portia had the
day off. I had to admit it worried me. The idea of her sitting alone
all day. The model was getting touched up and slid off her robe
again. She was only wearing a tight pair of boxers and she grinned at
me before crossing her arms over her breast. She was thin, but not to
thin. More muscular than anything. I shook my head to stop myself
from looking at her body.
The
day passed so slow it seemed. I was happy when we all were walking
out the door. I turned on my cell phone and almost immediately texts
flowed in. I opened my messenger with a feeling of dread they were
all Portia.
El...
What are we? Are we together? I
sighed. I knew this conversation was coming. I wanted her, I really
wanted to try a relationship with her.. But I had wanted it after she
was better, but we were already in a relationship, just up until now
no one had said anything.
Why
aren't you answering me?
Is she
prettier than me?
I bet you
don't think she's sick do you?
Are you going
to fuck her too?
I
shut my screen off and got in the car. I was supposed to stop at
Mama's after work but that would have to wait. I took a deep breath
as I sped off, I prayed that she would understand that my phone was
off, prayed that she would believe me.
I
rushed into the house as soon as I got there and froze at the door.
There was a young man picking up pieces of glass from the floor near
where Portia sat, a bottle of amber liquid clenched in her fist. Her
eyes were red and glossy.
“You
decided not to bring her back with you?” She shot. I looked at the
man who looked up at me. He coughed awkwardly.
“I'm
Michael, Portia's brother... My lovely sister here is wasted as you
can see.” He said pointing his hand towards Portia. I nodded slowly
as he looked at her sadly then looked back at me. “and I'm guessing
your Ellen.” He finished and I nodded again.
“How
was she El.” The way
she said my nickname was like she tasted something terrible.
“Look
you should probably go. I got her tonight.” He said.
“No!
I want to know!” Portia shouted over her brother.
“How
was who Portia? The model, I don't even know her name. She was easy
to work with, I barely had to tell her how to pose. How is she in
bed? I would have absolutely no idea. Maybe you could go and ask her
bodyguard of a boyfriend that sat through our shoot.” I said
walking towards her.
“I'll
be in the other room. Shout if you need me.” Michael mumbled before
disappearing.
“Why
didn't I answer your texts? I was working, my phone was off. What are
we? I don't know, we would have to talk about that when you are
wasted, but I was hoping this would lead into a committed
relationship if it wasn't already. But this worries me. Every time we
fight are you going to just get drunk? Every time I have to go to
work are you going to accuse me of sleeping with my clients?” I
asked before finally dropping to my knee's in front of her and
reaching for her bottle.
“Was
she prettier than me?” She whispered.
“I
don't know. She could have been, but the thing is I wouldn't have
noticed. I only notice you.” I said. She looked at the floor
loosening her grip on the bottle.
“That's
such a cop out answer” She mumbled.
“It's
the truth.” I said pulling the bottle from her and placing it on
the counter. “Did you break all your dishes?” I asked.
“Yes.”
She whispered.
“Did
you call your brother for help?” I whispered. She only nodded
before she started crying again and falling forward clinging onto me.
“My
head wouldn't stop even with all the alcohol, It wouldn't stop” She
sobbed on my shoulder. I clung just as desperately to her.
“I'm
here baby, I'm right here. I'm here.” I whispered rocking her
against me. Her fist balled in the back of my shirt. Suddenly she
pulled away and leaned away from me still not letting go. I saw her
heave and burp before vomit spewed from her mouth falling to the
floor.
“Okay.
Alright. Let's get you in the shower cleaned up and get you into bed.
Okay?” I asked. She groaned. Another burp and more vomit. I rubbed
her back lightly. I scooped her up into my arms and stood. She began
sobbing lightly. I walked by her brother and he looked concerned.
“She
puked I just going to get her in the shower. I'll clean it up in a
second.” I said.
“I
got it.” He said before turning around quickly.
I
placed Portia on the tub floor and turned on the shower. I stripped
down and sat in front of her and slowly peeled her wet clothes off. I
turned her a round until her head was under the spray of water and
ran my hands through her locks.
“You're
beautiful Portia. So god damn beautiful” I said lightly pulling her
out of the water lathering my hands in her shampoo then slowly
massaging her head. She moaned lightly leaning against me.
“I
think I'm falling for you” She mumbled and I froze for a moment. I
began massaging her head again and kissing her cheek.
Once
I had her showered and brushed her teeth and hair I carried her to
bed, tucking her in and laying next to her, stroking her arm, trying
to soothe her. She snuggled closer to me and soon her breathing
deepened. I slowly pulled away from her and met her brother. He was
just finishing cleaning up.
“She's
out.” I said lightly.
“Ellen,
I think what you are trying to do is noble. I really do. But you need
to leave her alone now. You can't save her and it's only going to get
worse later when she is in love with you and you finally can't take
it anymore.” He said leaning against the counter.
“I
have no intention of leaving. With all due respect, I think I'm a
better judge of what I can handle than you are.” I said, crossing
my arms defensively over my chest.
“I've
been trying to years. It works for a while then she goes back. These
break down's they are going to become more severe and more often. I
don't think you understand-”
“Why
don't you let me worry about all that. I respect that you are looking
out for your sister. Really it's great that you are a loving brother
in the face of all this. She's going to need all of our love. Do I
think she is okay? That she is miraculously better because I hold her
and tell her shes beautiful? No I don't. Do I think that this is the
worse part? Not even close. I'm prepared for this and I think we
would be a lot more helpful as a team than you trying to spare me
from the wrath of something I willingly signed up for.” I ranted.
He paused for a moment then nodded walking towards me he stuck out
his hand.
“Welcome
aboard.”
Portia's POV
A wave of nausea woke me up. I
hurriedly leaned over my side of my bed and vomited. Luckily Ellen
must have had the foresight to place a bucket beside my bed. I felt
her hand gently rub my back.
“Good morning” Her voice was husky
and incredibly sexy. I flopped back down on my bed.
“How bad was it?” I asked
inquiring about the events of the night before.
“Eh. Your typical drunk jealous
girlfriend stuff. By the way in case you can't remember. I didn't
sleep with anyone.” She said casually, brushing my hair away from
my face. My heart fluttered at the term girlfriend.
“Am I?” I whispered, partly
because my head hurt and partly because the answer terrified me.
“Are you what? Jealous? You were
very jealous last night. You broke all your dishes, and your brother
is sleeping on your floor.” She said kissing my temple. My heart
dropped at the severity of what happened but I refused to lose focus.
“Your girlfriend?” I asked. She
grinned.
“Isn't it to early for serious
talks?” She asked looking at the clock and realizing the time.
“Shit I have to get ready. I'm meeting that client again.” She
said getting up and reaching for her pants. “I'm going to stop at
my house after work to change and stuff and I was supposed to stop at
my moms last night but I had to come back here so I'm going to do
that tonight too.” She rambled as she struggled into her clothes. I
closed my eyes and tried to battle the tears that were forming.
How stupid can you be? Of course
she doesn't want you. The voice
mocked me. I felt her weight on my bed and opened my eyes to see her
face hovering over mine.
“I want you to
be my girlfriend. So if that's what you want too, then yes, you're my
girlfriend.” She said adding a cute little shrug before dropping
down and planting a quick peck on my lips. “I have to go to work.
My phone will be off but I'll text you after work okay? Stay away
from the booze.” She said winking at me before getting up and
walking towards my door. She turned around before shutting the door
and smiled at me, then she was gone.
It took a few
moments after her disappearance before everything settled in my
brain. Slowly a smile stretched across my face and I chuckled. I
slowly rolled out of bed and popped an Asprin before going to my
living room. My brother curled up with a blanket on the floor. I
poked him with my foot and slowly he glared up at me.
“Let's go get
breakfast, then I want to go shopping. I need to get some furniture
and apparently more dishes.” I said. My brother stared at me for a
bit longer before sitting up.
“Are you drunk
again?” He paused to look at his watch. “It's only Seven in the
morning. Jesus Portia.” He groaned. I dropped to my knee's in front
of him which I felt immediately in my stomach. Even the wave of
nausea couldn't ruin my mood.
“She's my
girlfriend Mikey. She wants me.” I said excitedly.
“Well of course
she wants you, No one would stay with your drunk ass if they didn't”
Mike groaned falling back on the make shift pillow which was just his
folded up shirt.
“If you buy me
breakfast and take my shopping I will have an actual couch for you to
sleep on.” I bribed.
“You're being
serious. You want to go eat and go shopping. You're really going to
eat with me?” He asked sitting up and staring intently at me. I
feel the tears burning in my eyes.
“She... She
wants me and... She makes me want to try Mikey. She makes me feel
like it does matter. She makes me feel like.. like maybe I have a
shot.” I whispered.
“Well god damn.”
He said with a grin. He hurriedly pulled his shirt on. “So you want
to get a therapist while we're at it?” He asked. I shot him a
glare.
“I can do this
without one.” I said. We both stood and he reached out and I
stepped into the strong arms of my brother.
“We love you
Porshe. All of us.” He said lightly.
The drive to the
restaurant I ranted to Mikey about how Ellen and I met. He grimaced
at all the intimate details but he couldn't get the grin off his
face. I knew he liked seeing me happy. I felt like nothing could stop
me. I would do this no problem and once Ellen saw that I could, we
would be happy. We would live happily ever after... That was until
the plate of eggs and sausage landed on the table in front of me.
Suddenly all I could see in my head was the calories raking up. I
could see the line of grease dripping down the side of the meat. I
looked up with what I can only expect was a look of horror from the
look of my brother's face.
“Mikey.. I...”
I stuttered.
“She's your
girlfriend remember?” He asked and even that couldn't stop my heart
from pounding. I stared at the food as if were I to look away it
would attack me and force it's way down my throat. “And you
promised you would get me a couch to sleep on if I bought you food
and from all the intimate details you so lovingly shared, I'm sure
Ellen would like a girl she can handle without worrying about
breaking her.” My brother said, I could hear the cringe in his
voice. I nodded slightly and brought a forkful of eggs up to my mouth
and cringed at the taste. It tasted like fat. Like the fat that would
surely crowd my thighs and belly once I ate it. I swallowed the lump
and it hurt my throat and my stomach growled loving the substance
that was dropping down. Of course it did, my stomach always loved the
food I ate. I hated it for that. Mikey watched me closely as I let
the tears fall with every bite I forced down my throat until my plate
was clear.
“I have to go to
the bathroom.” I said lightly.
“No you don't.”
He countered and I looked up at him sadly. “Why waste a perfectly
good effort. Let's just go shop and you will win this battle.” He
said and I looked at him sadly. He waved the waitress over and soon
we found ourselves in the store.
Looking for
furniture with my goofy brother very quickly took my mind off of
everything. I watched him throw himself onto countless sofa's and
test how sturdy expensive coffee tables were, we ignored the dirty
looks of the people working. Mike grasped me and pulled me down on
his lap. I snuggled into him on the leather sofa.
“She's special
to you huh?” He asked as he rubbed my back lightly. I nodded. “Well
she's lucky. Cause you are an incredible girl Porshe and you're
incredibly beautiful.” He said and I chuckled hiding my face
against his chest.
“Are you coming
on to me?” I chuckled. He grinned and pushed me playfully.
“Please, I'm not
into incest.” He chuckled. I kissed his cheek and patted the couch.
“I think this
one is perfect.” I said.
Ellen's POV
I rushed out of my
Mama's house taking my phone from my pocket to let Portia know I was
on my way. I smiled as I sent the message. It had been a good day, no
jealous messages from Portia and I got to shower and visit Mama for a
bit.
The drive back to
Portia's house was practically uneventful except for that one asshole
who cut me off. I ran up and knocked on the door before walking in. I
was greeted at the door by Portia colliding with me and wrapping her
arms tightly around my neck and kissing me as if she hadn't seen me
in years.
“Hey” She
whispered as she placed her head against my shoulder. I rocked her
lightly as I held her.
“Hey” I
whispered back. The most amazing smell was wafting through the house.
I looked curiously at Portia.
“Mikey and I
have been busy all day, we went and got breakfast and I got furniture
and now we have been cooking.” She told me and I smiled kissing her
lips lightly.
“Sounds like a
great day.” I said. She grabbed my hand enthusiastically and drug
me into the living room. It was actually complete now, a couch and
recliner set with a TV and a stack of DVD's beside the DVD player.
“So we can watch
movies together now.” She explained and I nodded.
“I'll have to go
pick up some wine.” I said kissing her blonde hair over her temple.
“Already done.
And... I got us a new bed, like our bed.” She said shyly looking
down at the floor. My heart dropped slightly. This was moving to
fast. This was becoming her main focus, everything was fine now but
it was still new. I forced a smile and kissed her nose.
“That's sweet
baby” I said lightly. She smiled and wrapped her arms tightly
around me.
“Porshe are you
helping or what?” Michael called from the kitchen.
“Give me a
second!” Portia called back, capturing my lips and kissing me with
such intensity it didn't take long for the pit of my stomach to erupt
into an inferno. Portia slowly walked us backwards, my hands tangled
in her hair and hers gripping the back of my shirt tightly. Once we
crossed the threshold of her room she shut her door but kicking it
closed.
“Aren't you...
Supposed to be... helping him?” I asked between her kisses, her
hands were unbuttoning my shirt quickly.
“He can wait”
She said pushing my shirt from my shoulders. I wanted to hesitate but
then she lifted her own shirt over her head and I lost my internal
war. I lifted her easily and placed her on her bed. She squirmed
slightly over the new silk cover. I covered her pulse point with my
lips and her nails scrapped down my back before covering the clasp of
my bra. She groaned as I nipped her neck as she took my bra off. My
hand trailed down her side, over the side of her breast, feeling the
hard bone protruding from her rib cage, and down her sunken stomach.
It reminded me of where we were, what was happening and I hesitated
for a moment. Portia was to lost in her erotic haze to notice. She
pushed her hips up trying to meet me, as I easily popped the button
of her pants. She groaned my name as I very slowly slid down her
zipper.
“Portia! Are you
coming or what?” Mike shouted from the kitchen and I froze.
“Give me a
minute!” She shouted back and pulled herself up to meet my lips
again. “Please El, I wanna break this bed in.” She said with a
wink. I groaned looking down at this beautiful, albeit sick,
practically naked woman in front of me.
“Shouldn't we
wait until I have more time with you? Then our first time on this bed
doesn't have to be rushed.?” I asked. Her lips slowly formed a
pout.
“But I need
you...” She said sadly and I watched the flash of self-doubt cross
her eyes. I took her hand and pushed her inside my pants.
“I think you can
feel how bad I want you too right now.” I whispered as she touched
me, her fingers slowly rubbed my clit and I growled at the sensation
that shot through my body.
“I don't want to
wait.” She whispered as she sunk her fingers into me. I gasped as
she filled me and bit down on her neck to keep from screaming at the
exquisite feeling filling me very quickly. “Tell me to stop and I
will” She whispered, I could hear the chuckle in her voice, she
knew she had me now as my hips bucked to meet her every thrust.
“Please...
Please don't stop” I begged and she used her free hand to lift my
face to hers and she captured my lips hungrily as she pounded into
me. She swallowed my moans and shouts as I came hard around her. I
screamed out her name before I collapsed on top of her.
“You are so
sexy” She groaned kissing my head, before I slowly rolled off her,
afraid I would break her. She snuggled up next to me and I easily
pulled her on top of me and she grinned leaning down to kiss me.
“Your turn” I
whispered against her lips.
We sat down
awkwardly at the dinner table after Michael called us. I
self-consciously ran my fingers through my hair trying to flatten it
and picked at my clothes. I expertly avoided making eye contact with
him and I would catch Portia chucking at my efforts.
I watched her
smile falter as Michael placed her plate in front of her. She looked
at the salad covered with dressing and the steak grilled to
perfection and a pile of mashed potato’s. She took a deep breath
before smiling up at me and picking up her fork.
“How was work
today baby?” She asked stabbing the salad with her fork before
placing it in her mouth.
“Pretty boring.
But I think we are almost done this campaign” I said cutting into
my steak.
The rest of dinner
was pretty silent, Portia ate her salad a couple mouthful's of
potato's and a few pieces of steak. It wasn't a lot but it was
something.. I was very quickly learning the meaning of picking your
battles.
We spent the night
cuddled up on her sofa drinking a glass of wine and watching comedy
movies, her head on my shoulder with her legs curled under her and an
arm slung across my waist with my arm wrapped tightly around her
shoulders. In this moment, it was like there was no time bomb slowly
ticking, it was as if this perfection really could last forever, but
deep down.. I knew it was only a matter of time.
Portia's POV
Ellen drove us into work today. I ate
a few pieces of bacon today before we left, feeling the greasy fat
slide down my throat and attach itself to my stomach. Felt it
refusing to budge and forming a pocket of pure fat on me that no
amount of crunches would cure, I felt it contaminate me. Ellen smiled
with pride at this betrayal to my body. I forced a smile back, she
was everything to me.
Now I stood before my mirror as the
lady in charge of wardrobe struggled to pull the zipper up to this
beautiful dress. I knew from the second I couldn't pull it that it
would never go up. I could see the material straining against my fat,
creating an obvious bulge in the front. I tried to focus only on my
gray eyes watering.
You fucking fat ass. You love your
job so much but who will ever hire you like this? You fucking fat
dyke. I hope you are okay living off that girl who made you fat. I
bet she will leave you now. She won't want to touch all that gooey
fat clinging to your body. Look at yourself... I SAID LOOK AT
YOURSELF! I looked down to my
stomach and my bare thighs. My chest heaved with a sob. You
did this. This is your fault. You stupid fat dyke. No one will ever
want you. You are not thin, you are not beautiful, you have no
control. You. Are. Completely. Worthless.
“Huh,
seems I messed up the measurements on this one.” She said, finally
giving up on the zipper.
“No..
I gained weight.” I said, trying hard not to cry. Her eyes widened
as she looked at me.
“Are
you pregnant?” She asked and it felt like a blow to the chest. I
just shook my head before peeling the material off me and putting my
sweats and over-sized tee back on.
“No...
Just fat” I mumbled before leaving the room.
Ellen's
POV
I
sat with the crew for lighting, we joked about some of the people we
have worked with in the past and took bites from the breakfast table.
I worried about Portia taking so long, I hoped she was fine with
whatever was going on back there. I noticed the pain in her eyes this
morning, as she ate. The familiar pained look that normally occurred
before something bad happened.
I
noticed Portia coming towards us in the same outfit she showed up in.
I looked at her confused before excusing myself and moving towards
her. She stopped dead a few feet in front of me, and now I could
clearly see the storm raging behind her eyes. I reached out to pull
her against me to comfort her but she backed away from me.
“This
is your fault!” She screamed at me.
“Wha-”
“Are you happy now that I'm so fucking fat? That you have ruined my career? Does it make you feel big now that this poor little model girl has to rely on you? You are seriously fucked up! You never cared at all did you?” She screamed.
“Are you happy now that I'm so fucking fat? That you have ruined my career? Does it make you feel big now that this poor little model girl has to rely on you? You are seriously fucked up! You never cared at all did you?” She screamed.
“Portia
what are you talking about?” I pleaded. I could feel the guys eyes
burning on us. She grabbed onto the skin of her stomach, pulling on
it trying to stretch it out in front of me.
“This!
You did this and now the dress wont fit! Who will hire this fat ass?
Huh? You don't care do you? Fuck you!” She shouted and turned on
her heel. I quickly grabbed her arm and tried to pull her back. She
turned around and I felt her palm collide with my face. My cheek
throbbed and burned from the force of the slap. She seemed surprised
herself for a moment and her mouth hung open.
“You
know what? You need help. I can't do this. I'm sorry. This is way to
much. You need help and I tried. Portia I really fucking tried. I
thought I could handle this. I thought you were ready and I thought I
could be enough. But I guess not.” I shook my head at the look of
complete heartbreak in her eyes. I turned and looked at the crew.
“Everyone go home, obviously we are getting nothing done today.”
I sighed. I walked back to my camera and started to dismantle it.
“Ellen
wait, I'm sorry-” She began
“No,
I'm done of this. I am packing up this camera, I am going home. Get a
therapist. Go to rehab, do something and maybe your next partner
won't have to put up with this bullshit and you can have a god damn
relationship that will fucking work.” with that last word I zipped
my book bag and threw it over my shoulder and walked by her.
“Ellen
I love you!” She called after me. It froze me in spot for a second.
“No..
No Portia, you want to love me, but you are to in love with the part
of you that hates yourself to ever really love me.” I said lightly
before pushing the door to exit.
Portia's
POV
I
crumbled to the floor once Ellen walked out the door. She had left
me. She had left me alone with the biggest bully I have ever faced,
bigger than the kids at school that would poke my chubby belly and
laugh at it as it shook, or the boys who would scream and gag when
they were dared to kiss me or the girls who would cut my clothes in
the locker room during gym. She left me alone with myself. I knew she
was right. As much as I hated that bully inside my head. I loved it.
It was almost like my soul mate. Maybe it was my soul mate.
A
young man came to try to help me up and I screamed at him to leave me
alone. He took a few steps back before muttering an apology. I folded
in on myself. I let myself sob, not caring what anyone in the room
thought. Not caring that this was my place of work and I needed to
appear professional. This voice inside me won every time, it ruined
everything good for me and the worse part, the part that hurt the
most is, I allowed it every single time.
I
fell into the arms of the harsh words, I cried on the shoulder of the
source of my heartbreak. Even now, I begged for the voice. I begged
it to come because I could handle it telling me how worthless I am,
but I couldn't handle the thought running threw my head on repeat.
Ellen left and she wasn't coming back. Yet, my head stayed silent.
The voice knew. It knew that this was worse than anything it could
ever say, knew that this was the way to destroy me quickly and it
would work. Fuck I need help...