Starving for perfection

Portia's POV

Here's the thing people like my mother don't seem to understand... Modeling is fucking hard. She seems to think that I want this. I wish I could let myself be fat and ugly. It's hard to diet. It's hard to watch people gulp down food and I can't partake. The hardest part is watching people I love with their judgmental eyes. I miss being able to be around them. I stopped seeing them since I got tired of hearing the same lecture. They just never understand.

I looked in the mirror at my belly. I sucked in and placed my hands over my navel pushing my stomach hoping if maybe I pushed a little harder it would stay that way. I sighed as it bounced back to where it originally was as soon as I lifted my hands away.

Of course it did, don't pretend you don't remember the bowel of carrots and ranch dip. Fucking fat ass.

I frowned at the voice in my head and quickly turned from the mirror. I stepped on the scale fearing the numbers that would pop up... 88 pounds. I'd gained two pounds. Well fuck. I had a shoot today and I had lost my will and now I was 88 pounds. I should call in sick. No.. That wouldn't look very professional.

You're not good enough to be a model. Everyone feels down right sorry for you. You disgusting fat dyke.

“I know!” I scream at the voice in my head. I get in the shower and turn the hot water on. I let it burn my skin. I didn't even bother taking my bra and panties off. I just needed to escape the truth and focus on my burning skin as I sobbed. “I'll try harder... I'm sorry...” I apologized to the rational side of me, the side that knew those carrots were a bad idea. I had let the impulsive side of me win.

My skin was turning an ugly red from the heat of the water and it was beginning to go numb. I reached for the tap but quickly pulled my hand away. This was my punishment. I had to punish bad behavior or I would keep doing it. I took my bra off and the first blast of hot water on my breast made me gasp and almost scream. I took a deep breath and willed my mind to focus on the shower. I needed to get ready.

Ellen's POV

I was setting up my camera when I saw her. Her long blonde hair pulled behind her head was still damp. Her green eyes looked unfocused as she stared straight ahead of her. She wore only a robe as she waited for wardrobe to come get her. She was tiny. I wondered if she was naturally that thin or if she had some kind of illness.

I stared at her until wardrobe came and whisked her away. She never even noticed me. I sighed and shook my head as I went back to setting up. She would be here in about an hour.

It actually took 45 minutes before she was standing next to me. She forced a smile, now normally fake smiles looked terrible but hers was breathtaking and I craved to see her real one.

“God you're beautiful” I said lightly and the smile fell from her face and she looked away from me, her thick blonde hair falling over her face to successfully hide from me.

Portia's POV

God how could she mock me like this. I already knew that I looked terrible today, I had eaten to much yesterday causing the weight gain and I spent my morning crying. I could only imagine how puffy and red my eyes still were. I took a deep breath and flicked my hair back over my shoulder and stared into her crystal blue eyes. Of course she had to be the sexiest photographer they could have gotten, making me ten times more self-conscious then normal.

“Are you going to take the robe off?” She asked. A slow sexy smile spreading across her face. I felt the blush creep up from my chest. I closed my eyes and slowly took the robe off. I kept my eyes closed until I opened them and my eyes raced over everyone looking down my fat body. I could feel them judging me.

They all are angry that you don't take your job seriously. BUT I DO! Obviously you don't by all that fat on your body.

“Why don't you guys wait outside. I got it from here.” The photographer said over her shoulder. Everyone slowly left the room and she waited for the door to shut behind them before she walked up to me. She took the robe from my hands and draped it over her arm before offering me her hand.

“I'm Ellen. I'll be working with you. I understand it must be hard getting undressed for a complete stranger, to feel so vulnerable. So if I tell you something completely humiliating we have to be friends right?” She paused long enough for me to nod slightly. “I used to have an afro. It looked completely ridiculous. The worse part, I continued to get it done for two years. I could bring you in a picture of it tomorrow.” She said and I looked up at her short and messy blonde hair and tried to imagine an afro over her beautiful face. I chuckled at the mental image. She smiled at me and slowly walked backwards to her camera.

“You ready to start?” She asked and I nodded.

The Next Day

I was on the floor with my feet hooked under the couch as I pulled myself up to my knees again. My abdomen burned from the effort. There was a knock on the door and I jumped to my feet pulling my baggy shirt over my head.

“Come in” I called. Ellen walked in and I was surprised at the biceps that bulged on display thanks to her tight muscle shirt. It took me a moment to realize she was holding something out to me. I quickly reached out and took the object flipping it over I realized it was a picture.

“As promised.” She said and I slowly grinned at the picture. It was funny than I had imagined. I looked up at her and smiled.

“I like this look much better.” I said. She grinned as she looked at the floor. Her head shot back up as she took a deep breath.

“Hey, We don't start shooting for another two hours, do you want to swing by the coffee shop and get something for breakfast?” She asked. The smile fell from my face. There was nothing more that I wanted to do than to spend more time with her.. but food? I couldn't trust myself.

“I-”

“Before you say you can't, It's on me” She interrupted with a sly grin. Did she think that was my problem? That I couldn't afford it?

“I ate before I came in.” I lied. She looked at me skeptically.

“Let me just buy you a coffee then.” She said. I hurriedly added it up in my head. If I had just one black coffee then nothing until tonight where I ate half a saucer of plain rice with chop sticks, I should be okay.

“Yeah sure coffee sounds good.” I responded. I held up the picture and she grinned at me.

“Keep it, you never know when you might need to blackmail me.” She said and I grinned. I pulled my wallet out and showed her that I was placing it in. She smiled and reached for my hand. I placed my hand in hers and she pulled me out the door.

The coffee shop was packed with people rushing on their way to work. Ellen asked me what I took in my coffee and I told her, then she told me to find a place for us to sit and she would take it to me. I smiled and realized we hadn't let go of each others hand since my dressing room. Suddenly the idea of letting go made me incredibly sad.

She brought my hand up to her lips and lightly kissed it. Normally I would be afraid of what everyone else thought but for that one fleeting moment, I couldn't think of anything but those ocean blue eyes that were staring right into my soul.

“Next!” The shout of the cashier startled us both out of our trance and she dropped my hand and smiled apologetically.

“I won't be long.” She promised before nodding towards a table. I turned and as I walked quickly glanced around the shop. I felt like everyone was staring at me. I sat down and looked at the table with my arms folded over my stomach. How ironic is it that the model didn't want anyone to notice her.

“Told you I wouldn't be long.” She said as she slid my coffee to me. I smiled at her as she sat down. Her hands lifting a bagel to her mouth. “unlike you I didn't have the good sense to eat before I came in.” She stated. I forced a chuckle as I watched the cream cheese ooze out of the bagel with every bite she took. She held half the bagel out to me. “Want half?” She offered.

The rational part of me screamed No! But my belly rumbled at the thought of cream cheese and a crunchy bagel. I took it into my hands.

“Thank you.” I said lightly before biting into it. I tried to chew slowly. I didn't want to look like I hadn't eaten in years, but my mouth worked in over time. I chewed quickly, not even thoroughly. I could feel chunks of bagel tear at my throat as I swallowed. Before long the bagel was gone. As I looked at my empty hands I realized what I had done.

“So how long have you been a model?” Ellen asked casually taking a sip of her coffee.

“Excuse me for a second.” I said and rushed to the bathroom. I slammed the stall door shut behind me and let myself panic. I felt the tears slip down my face as my breathing became ragged, like I had just run a marathon.

I told you! You can't be trusted. You fat piece of shit. You don't deserve your job, your life or that woman. You are nothing. You are pathetic.

With that mantra running in my head I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and forced my fingers down my throat. I felt my stomach and throat contract around my gag. It took only another couple of tries before I felt my vomit burning up my throat. The bagel hurt more coming up than it did going down and I felt the tears burn in my eyes.

Ellen's POV

I walked into the bathroom and heard the worse retching sounds I've ever heard. I slowly and quietly shut the door behind me. I turned back and went to the only occupied stall.

“Portia? Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah... Just..uh... Acid Reflux...” She stated. I heard her tear off some toilet paper and flush the toilet before opening the stall. “Sorry.” She said sadly. I looked down and noticed her fingers wet with saliva. It hit me. She hadn't actually eaten this morning, she wasn't just naturally skinny and she wasn't just a fast eater. She was starving herself and she couldn't help gulping down that bagel, but she regretted it. I made the decision to play along with her story.

“Maybe you should go home and get some rest today. I'll explain I sent you home cause you weren't feeling good.” I said.

“No.. no I have to work.” She said.

“I don't think it will be productive if you are feeling sick today.” I continued.

“I should be okay now. Really.” She replied.

“Please, just take the day to take care of yourself. I hate seeing you sick like this.” I stated and placed a hand on her shoulder. She looked sadly at her reflection in the mirror behind me. I could see it all clearly now. “Okay?” I asked.

“Okay..” She whispered. I smiled and took my phone from my pocket. I kissed her cheek. “Get some rest. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow.” I said squeezing her shoulder and walking out of the bathroom.

I sat at the table and watched her leave. I stared at her untouched coffee cup and texted the crew to let them know Portia had been sick and I sent her home. Then I went to the internet and in the search bar I typed in 'Eating Disorders'

Portia's POV

I glared at the cup of yogurt in front of me. I knew I didn't deserve tonight's cup of yogurt... but damn I wanted it. I sighed and opened it up. I smelt the sweet scent of it.

Remember the bagel? Fuck, the rational side of me couldn't let it go. I turned on the tap and waited until the water was to hot to touch and then I cried as I filled the yogurt with the water, watching the sweet treat I wanted so badly melt away. I cried at my loss of yogurt as much as my loss of self-control. I dropped the container into the sink and dropped down to the floor. I immediately started doing sit-ups. I had to punish myself badly to stop this behavior. My stomach growled in protest.

“You fat cunt!” I screamed at myself through the sobs. I pushed harder, trying to silence the voice mocking me... if I just pushed harder it would stop. But it just got louder.

A knock on the door stopped everything. Now the only sound was the running of the water. Who would be here? I shut off the tap and finding my robe I covered myself walking to the door. I slowly opened it to see Ellen standing nervously outside.

“I know this is really creepy... But I asked your manager where you lived.. I was worried about you and... I don't know it seemed like a good idea, now I'm kinda feeling like a creeper.” She said, blowing out a gust of air and thrusting forward a bouquet of roses. I couldn't help but chuckle. She sure was adorable when she was flustered. I took the flowers and smelt the beautiful fresh smell.

You aren't nearly good enough for her. This means nothing. You're fat and no one wants to date someone as fat as you! SHUT UP! I screamed back at the voice. I wanted this. I wanted this hope. But of course the voice wouldn't let me have it.

“Do you want to come in? I'm afraid I don't have much to drink but water...” I said with a little grin.

“No no, I can't stay but do you want me to pick something up for you? I know you're sick..” She asked.

“That's sweet but my mother is already on it.” I lied and she stared at me a moment, like she saw through it before slowly nodding.

“Well I should go. Try to get better.” She said and wave slightly before walking away. I watched her until I could no longer see her and then shut the door. Try to get better? That's strange. Most people just say feel better soon. I took the roses out of the paper and a white envelope fell to the floor. I grinned and picked it up placing it on the counter. I made short work of filling a vase with water (over the cup of wasted yogurt) and placing the roses in it. I put them on the table and stared at them for a moment.

I went back and stared at the blank envelope and wondered what was in it. I imagined a million different scenario's before I finally couldn't take it anymore and ripped into the paper.

Hi Portia,

Listen, I don't want to upset you, but I'm worried about you. I know you and I don't really know each other that much yet. Maybe I'm overstepping. I know today wasn't acid reflux and I want you to know you are not alone in this. Around 24 million American's suffer from an eating disorder. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness and I'm worried I won't have the honor of truly getting to know you. I have attached a list of therapist in the area who specialize in this. Also on that page I have written my cell phone number. I am here if you ever need someone.

                                                                                                                      Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                    Ellen DG

I turned to the attached page to see a list of names, addresses and phone numbers. Fuck her! Who the hell does she think she is? A fucking psychologist? How does a fucking photographer have the authority to diagnose me with anything? She has no fucking right. She stays behind the camera she has no idea how hard it is to be in front of it! I don't have an eating disorder! I have a job that I take seriously. I ripped her letter in half and threw it in the sink with the yogurt, soon the roses followed. And I ran with tears in my eyes to my bed.

The Next Day

“Hey Portia, feeling better today?” My stylist asked.

“Yeah acid reflux was really acting up.” I responded.

“Oh honey, I know that feeling. Well I'm happy your back.” He said before going to work. The rest of my time with him was spent with him grunting over the choices of clothes.

I walked out and almost walked smack into Ellen. Her hands immediately flew to my shoulders to steady us and for a moment I let the shock waves of her touch take over my body but almost as quickly I remembered.

“Hey Por-” She began but I shrugged off her hands and shot her with a deadly glare.

“Don't! Listen I have to work with you but that's it. You only talk to me about poses in front of the camera, you can forget about anything else.” I shot and rushed past her only to turn on my heel and go back to her. “And what gives you any kind of right? You don't know me! You assume cause I get sick the one time I have an eating disorder? Fuck you.” I spat and as the anger boiled in the pit of my stomach I turned back around and walked away before it consumed me. I slammed the door to my dressing room and slid down the door. The tears were back. I was so damn emotional lately. Also my legs didn't feel like they could support me much longer.

There was a soft knock at the door and I ignored it as the tears fell freely down my cheeks. I felt light headed. I groaned as my stomach contracted. I had forgot to eat my ten peanuts this morning. I hadn't eaten since I threw up that bagel yesterday morning. I stood on shaky knees, the combination of the stress of this event and probably the lack of protein in my body made the world spin around me like I drank to much vodka. I opened the door.

“Portia, please just-” Black.

Ellen's POV

She didn't look good. She was pale and obviously crying. I couldn't back out now I began to speak, but as I did I watched her sway dangerously then suddenly she was collapsing forward. I instinctively reached out and caught her as she collapsed against my chest. I easily picked her up and pushed into her dressing room placing her on the couch and taking out a cell phone dialing 911. I checked her pulse and made sure she was still breathing. Both were good, it was a relief to know she only passed out. I tried to stay calm on the phone with the dispatcher. I didn't know the answer to most of her questions, but I was sure to include that I suspected an eating disorder. I heard the girl sigh disapprovingly on the other end, I felt anger at the obvious tone of judgment in her voice as she asked questions about that. No wonder no one talks about it, with a response like that.

I rode in the back of the ambulance as they rushed her to the hospital. Her blood pressure was low and I took out her cell phone looking through her contacts for her mother. I finally found it and dialed the number. I explained the situation and she was silent on the other end.

“and you're her partner?” the way she said partner with such distaste told me all I needed to know about how she felt. I guess Portia was gay.

“No, just a co-worker.” I said baffled at how that was her first question after all that has happened.

A Few Hours Later

I sat silently beside her mother. She sat with a perfect, very uncomfortable looking, posture. She stared straight ahead. I scratched my head nervously then looked at her.

“did you know about all this?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“did you try to get her help?”

“Yes”

“What happened?” I asked leaning in curious.

“nothing” She said, not breaking her staring contest with the wall. I frowned. I slumped back in my chair and pulled at my clothes.

“I'm here now, you can leave.” She said.

“I... We're kind of friends and I would like to stay if that's okay” I said lightly.

“what do you mean, kind of friends?” Her voice was icy and her head snapped to me.

“Well.. We were friends but then I tried to get her to see someone for her eating disorder and well.. She doesn't like me very much anymore.” I said lightly. She nodded understandingly and turned back to the wall.

“She doesn't understand that it's not a healthy diet. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong.” She said softly and I realized she was finally opening up to me.

“How can we make her see?” I asked lightly.

“We can't” Her voice was cold again and she stood up and walked away from me, into the nurses station, leaving me sitting alone thinking of anything that could maybe help Portia.

Portia's POV

I slowly blinked my eyes open. My throat hurt. It smelt like sterilizer. Everything was a bright white. I suddenly realized this was a hospital, and the pain in my throat was from a tube. They were pumping food into my body! I reached up to grab the tube but two hands grabbed on to mine to stop me. I looked to the side in a panic to see my mother.

“Don't... you'll hurt yourself.” She stated. I tried to talk but the tube made everything sound like a bunch of gibberish. She stroked my arm softly, like she used to when I was a kid and I had a bad dream. Strangely it still had the same calming effect.

“I guess now's the time to talk to you, since you can't interrupt.” Mom said. There was a sad but joking tone to her voice. Here it comes the normal lecture. She took a deep breath.

“I'm sorry I've done this to you.” She said then paused. I turned slightly to look at her, confused. This wasn't how it normally went. “I preached and preached to diet when you were young. You want to be a model? You need to diet. Then I never said anything when I noticed it beginning to go to far. I thought... She's a smart girl she will realize soon. But you didn't it just got worse and worse-” She paused to sob and I wanted to tell her to stop, I was fine, but the tube in my mouth prevented and words. “Oh Portia! I never did anything! What if you would have died today? I would have lost my little girl and I would have to live the rest of my time knowing I didn't do anything!” Mom laid her head on my shoulder and sobbed. She gripped my hospital gown as if should she let go I would run from her. “You're sick baby girl and you look sick. You were... are such a beautiful girl... but you look like your terminally ill.” Mom cried taking my face in her hands and kissing my cheeks. She sat back down and stared at the door, something running through her mind.

“And your gay.” She stated, her voice husky from her tears. This made my eyes water. I knew mom hated that. She despised my sexuality more than she ever despised my fat. “And.. I'm sorry it's hard for me. But I love you still Portia. I love you still.” She cried never breaking eye contact with the door. “I wanted grandchildren and to go to your wedding and I'm sad because... It won't ever happen now.” She paused and a small grin stretched on her face. “But for a co-worker to sleep on a plastic hospital chair to make sure you are alright.. Well she must think I'm blind.” Mom chuckled and my eyes widened.

“Ewwen?” I tried around my tube.

“Ellen.. Yes. She's still on the same chair that shes been on since you arrived yesterday morning. And maybe I never let myself believe that you could find someone to love you like that if you were... gay... but I watched her sleep and jolt awake at every little sound. Then I see that look in your eye from her name somewhere between panic and joy.” Mom chuckled lightly and shook her head looking sadly at the ground.

Ellen's here? There is no way I can let her see me like this! Wait.. I'm supposed to still be mad at her right? Shit shit shit. They are pumping food into me! How did I forget this?! I needed to get out! The annoying beeping of my machine told of my increased heart rate and mom held my hands tightly as I fought her to tear the tube from my mouth. Nurses rushed in as my tears began to fall. They pushed mom back and took my hands as I flailed trying to escape their grip.

“Portia?” I froze.

“Ma'am you can't-” The nurse stopped as they realized my heart rate slowing and my body still frozen.

Ellen's POV

She looked terrified. She was sick and scared and they crowded her and fought her like she wasn't even human. I walked closer and took her hand from the nurse. Tears formed in her eyes.

“Can't you take that tube out now?” I asked, her mother slowly approached the other side of Portia's bed.

“No, we think we should-”

“Here's the thing, in the US it is illegal to force-feed anyone. Given the fact that she was unconscious when she arrived I understand you were able to make that call but I can clearly see she was struggling to take it out, She is obviously conscious enough to make that choice, so I believe you, by law, have to take it out.” I said. I felt Portia squeeze my hand and I smiled lightly down at her.

I watched carefully as they grudgingly removed the tube. I offered her a cup of water to sooth her throat. She gulped at it until it was empty and handed it back. I could feel her mothers eyes watching every action.

“Would you like more?” I asked lightly and she shook her head. I placed the cup on the side of the table and nodded. “Well I'm sorry I interrupted your time together... I just I heard.. I was worried... Sorry. I'll just go back and leave you two-”

“Actually can you stay with her? I would like to go home and take a shower and I don't want to leave her alone.” Her mother interrupted and I nodded slowly. She leaned over the bed and kissed Portia's cheek lightly. “I love you so so much baby girl” She said lightly and then blushed at the display of affection in front of a stranger. I waited for her to leave the room before I sat next to her and I took her hand. She looked away and I saw her body shake slightly. She was crying.

“We are practically strangers. I know that. But there is something about you that drew me in right away. And I know you are upset with me but if you would give me the chance.. well naturally I'm a curious person and I would love to find out what it is.” I said lightly.

“I'm nothing special” She murmured. I chuckled sarcastically.

“Well that's just a boldfaced lie.” I stated. “But I suppose that's what the illness would have you believe.” I finished. Her head whipped around and a fire sparked in her eye.

“I'm not sick.” She attempted to shout, but her voice was still scratchy from the tube.

“Oh okay. I'm sorry, do you have a history of passing out then?” I asked.

“Don't be a dick.” She stated and her bottom lip quivered. It was a shot to my heart. I didn't want to make her upset. I took her hand and placed it over her rib cage, making her feel the bones there.

“If you felt this on an animal, the bones sticking out just like this... wouldn't you call the shelter. Report animal abuse? Because when it's not on you, you know its not healthy. Don't you for a second believe you are not worth being healthy. I'll be the first to admit your job puts way to much pressure on models. To be perfect and beautiful. But yet they will turn a blind eye to an illness like this... But I wont. I will not stand by and watch someone starve themselves. I believe every human deserves better than that.” I said. Her chest rose and fell with her sobs. I pulled her tightly into my arms and her body shook against mine. The shocks that I was getting used to shot through my body just from being in contact with her. “I will go through this with you. I will fight every demon you face right by your side.” I whispered. She nuzzled her face into the crook on my neck and I felt her tears gather there and then slide down my shoulder to my chest. “You're not alone Portia” I whispered.

Portia's POV

they said I could go home today, since there was nothing left they could do for me. The nurse made a joke that I would be here again in a few weeks right outside my door and they both laughed. I glanced down at my hands. I was a joke.

“Hey, how about a little compassion? Or how about instead of standing around talking, do your damn job” Ellen shouted glaring at them. Both their laughter died as they looked at her angrily before walking away.

“You didn't have to-”

“You're not a joke.” She said immediately, taking my hand in hers to help me up. I didn't let go of her hand. It was comforting, since I truly believed she would protect me from the world. She smiled lightly and guided me to my mothers car. She held the door open for me and helped me in, only then did I let go of her hand.

“Come with us?” I asked. I looked at my mother who looked over at me and then slowly nodded.

“Yeah Ellen, get in.” She said. Ellen smiled and shut my door before hopping into the back seat. She sat directly behind me and I stuck my hand between the seat and the door, searching for Ellen's hand. I felt the warmth of her hands cover mine completely. It was still incredible to me how such a simple touch from her could calm me.

“Porshe... I was thinking of stopping at McDonalds... you used to love the chicken nuggets... would it be okay if we..” Mom was struggling.

“I'm... I'm not hungry mom.” I said looking down. I was always hungry that was a problem. Ellen squeezed my hand. It had been a few hours since the tube in my throat.

“Just a happy meal baby girl. Please. You don't even have to eat it all right away.” She said lightly.

“The problem is I will eat it all! I won't be able to stop myself ever!” I shouted. Mom winced at the tone of my voice but I was to angry to be sympathetic. I shook in my anger.

“Well good. You need some meat on your bones.” Mom said lightly.

“Fuck off.” I mumbled.

They want you fat. They don't want you to be thinner than them. They want you fat and ugly. The voice told me.

“What if we share one.” Ellen said lightly.

“I tore the list.” I stated looking back at Ellen. “I tore the list of therapist.” I clarified. Ellen nodded lightly.

“I saved them. I figured you wouldn't take it right away.” She whispered.

“I... I don't want a therapist. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I yelled at you mom. I'm sorry I'm so scared of being fat... I'm sorry I'm fucking pathetic” I started to cry and my mother quickly pulled over and Ellen let go of my hand to wrap her arm around my seat to hold me firmly against the back of the seat. My hands came to rest on her arm as mom wiped my tears.

“You're not pathetic baby. You're not” Mom whispered.

“I... I can't stop thinking in my head. I see my ribs Ellen I really do. I see my arms and I know its to thin. I do-” I lifted my shirt and pinched at my stomach “But I can't get rid of this! Or my thighs! It sticks there and never goes away!” I cried and mom took my hand away and laid her hand flat on my stomach.

“I'll tell you what that is my darling. Its loose skin, from excessive weight loss. Not fat” She whispered lightly. I shook my head and looked out the window.

“We will get through it. You're beautiful Portia. Don't listen to your head, it's lying to you” Ellen said lightly. I saw mom tense up when Ellen told me I was beautiful but she quickly relaxed herself. I grabbed Ellen's arm tightly. I took a deep breath and battled the voice in my head.

“Alright. I'll share with Ellen.” I said lightly, I cringed at the thought but tried to ignore the feeling of dread. Mom touched my face lightly.

“To McDonalds.” Mom said before turning back onto the road.

Ellen's POV

She looked terrified as I opened the box of chicken nuggets between us. Her mother- who I was now told to call her Margaret- watched her every move. I opened up the honey packet, that her mom helpfully told me was Portia's favorite when she was a kid, and placed it closer to Portia.

“Just give me-” She started.

“I'm not handing you a certain amount, you take as much as you want.” I cut her off. Her eyes pleaded with me and I felt terrible. Part of me just wanted to hand her some but I knew deep down that I would just be enabling her. With a shaking hand she picked up one piece and stared at it. I could see her gulping back her fear as she dunked it into the honey and raised it to her mouth. She let out a deep breath before she finally bit into it. Her body relaxed around the taste of her favorite childhood food and a single tear leaked from her eye. I caught it on my index finger and wiped it away. Her eyes stayed locked on mine and in her thoughts her chewing slowed down.

“Ellen, I was hoping you could stay with Portia tonight. I was going to but I have the baby tonight so that Mike can go out on a date night. If you can't I'm sure Mike will understand.” Margaret said. Portia was glaring at her mother.

“Oh.. I don't want to make Portia uncomfortable.” I began.

“It's fine. You don't make me uncomfortable. I kinda don't want to be alone tonight anyway.” She said lightly. I smiled at her and nudged her with my shoulder lightly.

“Then I would love to.”

Portia's POV

My apartment is practically empty. It's not that I can't afford anything. I have more money than I know what to do with, I just never saw the point I guess. Well I guess I don't trust myself in stores. There is always a food place somewhere close and again I have a lot of money that I don't know what to do with and a stomach that's never satisfied. Ellen looked around and stuffed her hands in her pockets. She smiled nervously at me.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” She asked.

“I don't have a TV” I said lightly.

“How are you living in this century?” She teased. I had this overwhelming need to feel her touch. It seemed like we were standing miles away. She was looking at me with a look that spoke only of affection. She had been with me through this whirlwind of the last few days and I needed to have her touch at this moment. Before I put to much thought into it I stepped forward and closed the distance between us. My lips found hers easily and I molded my body to hers. Her arms instinctively wrapped around me as I licked her bottom lip asking for entrance. Her tongue met mine and I moaned into her mouth. She is one hell of a kisser. It had been so long since I had any kind of intimacy and my body reacted quickly to her. Her arms tightened around me as she deepened the kiss and she slowly backed us up. I broke the kiss to lift my shirt over my head and immediately found her lips again as I began working on the buttons of her shirt. I pushed the soft material off her shoulders and it felt like her skin was on fire when it touched mine. Her hands suddenly closed around my hips and pushed me back.

“We shouldn't do this... I don't want to be a distraction to your recovery.” She said. Her chest was rising and falling quickly and I couldn't tear my eyes away from it.

She doesn't want you. You're not good enough.

“It's not that you're not good enough.” She said as if she was reading my mind. “I mean, I want to so bad right now.. I just.. I care about your health.” She said lightly, letting her finger trail down my ribs. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what she saw. I nodded slowly.

“Yeah of course.” I said. No matter how hard I tried, the sting of rejection burned in my chest and I turned away from her grasp and grabbed my shirt slipping it on and walking past her again into my bedroom.

“Portia...” She called out after me but I ignored her flopping down onto my bed. I buried my face into my pillow and tried to fight away the tears. How can I be foolish enough to think that someone as sexy as her would want someone like me. I didn't hear her come in but I felt her weight settle onto the other side of my bed.

“I really do want to.” She said lightly. I looked up at where she sat on my bed, her shirt still lying on the floor out in my living room.

“If I told you it wouldn't affect my recovery?” I asked and she tilted her head.

“Would it be a lie?” She countered. I looked down at my pillow sadly. I couldn't promise it. I didn't even know for sure if I wanted to eat like them. Her hand's rubbed small circles in my back.

“When you're better.” She said lightly.

“If you don't find someone else by then.” I said sadly.

“Right now my number one commitment is helping you get better. So there will be no one else.” She said and I felt her slid down and wrap her arms tightly around me, pulling my back against her chest.

“My first kiss in three years and I get rejected.” I teased.

“Three years? Since you been with anyone?” She asked and I nodded slowly. Her lips touched my neck lightly.

“Once you're better, I will take you on a real date. Go to a fancy restaurant, walk along the beach, I'll kiss you under the moon light with only the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Then we will sit watching how the stars reflect off the water and I'll hold you tightly against me, just like I am now.” I smiled as I closed my eyes and pictured what she was saying. “And I'll tell you all the cute little quirks that I noticed about you by then, I'll brush your hair back-” Her hand came around sweeping my hair from my neck. “And kiss you're neck softly.” Her lips touched my neck lightly and she lingered there and I felt it throughout my body.

“Ellen, if you keep doing that, I'm not going to be able to control myself anymore. Remember it's been three years.” I warned and I smiled as she chuckled behind me. I turned around to face her and look into her crystal blue eyes. I draped my arm around her waist and chewed my lip nervously as I drew small circles on her bare hip.

“Can I just kiss you one more time?” I asked. She smiled softly.

“Is that a good idea?” She asked.

“I think it's an excellent idea.” I countered.

“I'm also walking a tightrope with my self-control.” She said.

“Even more reason.” I grinned at her. Her hand cupped my cheek as she pulled me closer and our lips met again. This time it was a slow and gentle kiss. Not full of the need and lust of earlier but of pure emotion. Her kiss screamed of caring. It made me moan just the same, but for completely different reasons. I had a hard time believing anyone would truly care about me, but when she kissed me like that, I could never deny it.

“God I love that sound.” She groaned. Her hands holding onto my shirt tightly.

“Then make me do it again.” I grinned. Her lips crashed onto mine again and I rolled us back until I was on top of her.

“It won't affect anything?” She asked between kisses as she pulled my shirt over my head.

“No.” I responded crashing my lips on hers as she unhooked my bra. I let it fall down my shoulders and she pulled back to look at me. I felt incredibly self-conscious under her gaze. Her hands closed over my tiny breast and her thumbs ran over my erect nipples causing me to throw my head back and moan deep in my throat.

“Promise?” She asked, sitting up to take the flesh from my neck gently between her teeth and I gasped lightly.

“Fuck, Ellen I'll promise you anything at this point.” I admitted. My body on fire. She easily flipped us over until she was on top of me and slowly sliding down my pants. Now the only thing between her and I were my underwear. Her hands traveled up my legs painstakingly slow. I cringed as her hands touched my fatty thighs and she paused there. No no no, fuck no. I hoped she wouldn't stop now. I felt her lips on the inside of my thighs. She kissed them lightly and rubbed her hands up the outside of my thighs. I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

“You are so incredibly beautiful Portia. And god you have sexy legs.” She groaned taking the skin of the inside of my thigh between her teeth causing me to buck my hips and gasp. “I'm not going to make love to you tonight Portia.” She said lightly kissing down my leg to my ankle.

“Ellen Please.” I pleaded shoving my hands into my hair.

“I don't think it's a good idea right now”

“It's a bloody great idea.” I countered. Ellen chuckled as she kissed from my ankle to my thigh on my other leg.

“In due time baby, I will. When your ready.” She said. My chest exploded when she called me baby but I forced myself to stay on topic.

“I'm sure if you checked you would be able to see how ready I am.” I said. Ellen chuckled. She was back on top of me.

“You are very tempting Portia De Rossi, but here's the thing. My moral code won't allow it.” She said twirling a strand of my hair between her fingers.

“Fuck your moral code.” I said and she chuckled kissing my lips quickly.

“Get some rest baby. We gotta get up bright and early tomorrow to grab breakfast on the way to work.” She said falling beside me and pulling me against her.

Portia's PO V

A light stroking on my ribs woke me up. I kept my eyes closed but smiled as the event of the night before came rushing back.

“You're still here.” I whispered. Part of me expected to wake up and find that Ellen was no where to be found. She kissed my bare shoulder lightly and I remembered just how naked I was. I went to wrap my arms across my stomach but Ellen caught my hands and held them to her lips.

“Of course I am beautiful” She said lightly, kissing my hands. I groaned and for the millionth time I felt my eyes burn with tears. I wished that I could see what she claims to see from my body. “And as much as I would love to stay in bed with you all day like this, we need to get up and get ready for work and grab some food.”

“I don't eat in the morning.” I said quickly.

“You don't eat ever.” She countered. It felt like a gun shot to my heart my eyes snapped open and I saw the regret in her eyes.

“Portia, I'm sorry-”

“I'm going to shower.” I said getting up and shutting the door to my bathroom behind me, my chest hurt and I slowly slid to the shower floor after turning it on. The hot water pelted my skin. I was a charity case to her wasn't I? She didn't want me, she wanted to play the hero that saved the poor girl from herself.

“Portia, this water is way to hot.” Ellen said adding cold water, I didn't move from my position on the shower floor and then I felt her strong arms wrap around me and her bare chest pushed up against my back. “I'm sorry that was incredibly insensitive for me to say. I-” My anger was boiling at her and I broke from her arms and turned to face her, I was only stunned by her muscular body and its affect on my own momentarily.

“What do you want from me?” I shouted.

“I want to-”

“You want to save me from myself, yeah I got that. I don't need you. There is nothing wrong with me!”

“Portia-”

“Just stay away from me! I don't need you. I don't need help!” I shouted.

“Should I stand by and watch you kill yourself then?” She asked, crossing her arm over her chest.

“I would prefer it yes.” I shot glaring at her.

“I understand your upset with me.” Ellen said lightly.

“Why, why do you care? You don't even know me. Why does it matter.”

“I told you why.” Her voice was so low.

“Cause I'm some kind of special to you. All that bullshit. Yet you're going to tease me, make me feel like I have some kind of chance with you and then make some kind of excuse to not be with me. You don't really want me, you want to be a hero.” I shot.

“Do you really think that or are you just trying to hurt me?” She asked.

“That's just what you showed me.” I said sadly closing my eyes trying to fight back the tears. Her lips crashed onto mine, her arms wrapping around me pushing my chest to hers.

“Is this what you need for me to prove it to you?” She asked. There was a fire in her eyes as she nipped at my neck. “I need to make love to you to prove myself?” She asked kissing the spot her teeth had just grazed. My mind was a whirlwind of what I wanted, what I knew or what I thought I knew. Ellen pushed me back until I was lying flat on the bathtub floor with Ellen kneeling between my legs and her mouth working on my collar bone.

“Ellen...” I said lightly, my anger very quickly melting. My body was screaming for her not to stop, but my head was telling me that It shouldn't be like this for our first time. Not because I yelled at her, not because she felt like she has to prove something to me. Something she easily proved with the fire in her eyes. Ellen's lips closed over my nipple and her teeth scraped across the sensitive nub. I gasped at the feeling and my fingers tangled into her wet hair. The water pounding over my body only heightened the feeling in my body. “God Ellen I need you.” I groaned. My body winning the internal war. “Please, Ellen, Please kiss me.” I pleaded and Ellen's lips were back on mine in seconds, her tongue pushing into my mouth, not asking for permission, but demanding. I raked my nails down her back, her thigh pushing against my clit sent a jolt of pleasure through my body. She pulled back and looked into my eyes. She pushed my wet hair from my face as her hand traveled slowly down my body.

“Tell me you believe me” She whispered, her thumb flicking over the sensitive nub between my legs and two of her fingers positioned at my opening. I nodded slowly closing my eyes and arching my back trying to pull her into me. “Look at me Portia.” Her voice was thick with need. I snapped my eyes opened and looked at the storm raging in Ellen's light blue eyes. I groaned with her as she slowly filled me, my arms instinctively wrapped around her shoulders and held tightly to her. Ellen's lips closed on mine as she slowly made love to me under the pounding water of the shower. I moaned into her mouth. The tears started again as she pulled back to look lovingly down my body. I looked down and tried to see what she saw in that moment.

“Please don't leave me El.” I said lightly as I looked back at her and she smiled lighty.

“I don't think I could even if you truly wanted me to.” she said. And I pulled her to me again.

Ellen's POV

I was angry at my break in self-control. I knew we weren't out of woods yet. There was still so much she had to face and now I added something more. She sat quietly picking at the carrot muffin I convinced her to eat on the way to work. Everyone would know the second we walked in. Our hair damp, lips bruised. She looked up and smiled at me. Her eyes searched for approval. I reached and touched her face lightly and smiled.

“You're beautiful.” I whispered. She blushed and looked down at her muffin. “And I'll tell you everyday. A million times a day if I have to, until you believe it and even after.” I said and she nodded sadly. Picking another small portion of her muffin and stuffing it in her mouth. She looked at me and raised her eyebrows and I smiled and nodded looking back at the road.

Everyone's heads turned when we walked in and I could feel how nervous Portia was, I took her hand and led her around the corner. I looked to make sure no one was looking. I kissed her swollen lips lightly.

“Go to your dressing room and get ready, I got to go set up. I'll see you in front of the camera.” I said and she nodded leaning into kiss me again. I watched her walk away and she turned back before she disappeared around the corner and offered a little wave. I smiled and waved back.

It struck me I had slipped into a relationship with her after our morning together and I cursed myself for it. She wasn't ready. I sighed as I walked to my camera and began setting up.

“Your late.” John said and I turned and nodded lightly before turning back to my tripod. “So was the model.” He continued.

“Yeah.” I said, trying to sound uninterested.

“Whats going on?” He asked.

“Don't you have a job to do?” I asked.

Portia's POV

I sat in my costume, If you could call lacy lingerie that, as my make up artist tried to cover up the marks from love-making that Ellen left. I looked into the mirror and smiled as I felt the pleasant ache that Ellen left in my body. For the first time in a long time I didn't hate my body. It was covered with Ellen. I could still feel her on my skin and I think it would be impossible to hate anything that was connected with Ellen. My make-up artist was staring at me and I realized I was smiling. I blushed and looked down. I heard her chuckle before going back to work.

Ellen kicked everyone out of the room again and I smiled at her as I dropped my robe from my shoulders. She groaned from behind her camera.

“They are trying to kill me.” She groaned. I chuckled and she snapped a few pictures. About forty-five minutes in I realized that I never actually posed and she never asked me to. We just continued flirting and laughing.

“Come kiss me.” I said. She smiled then laughed.

“Dressed in that? I won't be able to keep my hands to myself.” She said.

“Good.” I said walking slowly towards her. She snapped pictures quickly until I reached her and kissed her roughly. My arms circling her neck. “Why don't you strip down and let me take pictures of you?” I purred and she laughed.

“Because my job is behind the camera and I feel much more comfortable here.” She said. I began unbuttoning her shirt. She looked down at my hands and grinned. “You're not going to accept that are you?” She asked and I grinned slowly shaking my head. I pushed the shirt from her shoulders and kissed her collarbone.

“You know I never got to repay the favor this morning.” I purred against her skin.

“I don't think here is the best place to do that.” She groaned.

“After work, straight to my house. I want you in my bed with me all night.” I whispered against her ear. Unbuttoning her pants. A low moan vibrated in her throat.

“After we go out for supper?” She asked. My hands paused on her pants. I took a deep breath.

“I don't want to go out... What if we just order in or something...” I whispered.

“I'll... I'll go out and get some stuff we can make together... do you know how to cook?” She asked and I grinned shaking my head, pulling her pants down her legs until I was kneeling at her feet. She looked down and smiled.

“God this is such a great view” She mumbled. “I can't cook either, so this should be fun.” She chuckled. I helped her step out of her pants. I kissed from her navel up, pulling her close to me I kissed her before slapping her ass.

“Get over there sexy.” I chuckled. Ellen sulked over to the space where I had been standing not to long ago.

“Don't look so sad.” I laughed snapping pictures of her. She stuck her tongue out and I shot my head back in laughter.

Ellen's POV

I had never been more appreciative for Google as I was at this moment. It told us what to buy and gave us a detailed description of every step. Which was great for cooking novices like us. Portia sipped at her water while I chopped vegetables. I was praising myself in my head at how well I was doing when the knife slipped and sliced down the side of my index finger.

“Fuck!” I cussed at the pain that surged through my finger. I immediately dropped the knife and wrapped my hand around the wound holding it over the sink. Portia jumped to her feet turning on the water. She took my hand and rinsed the blood that began to drip from my finger. She reached over for a dishtowel and wrapped it around the wound.

“Are you okay?” She whispered applying pressure over the towel.

“I think my pride is hurt more than my finger.” I mumbled. Portia chuckled and kissed me lightly.

“Accidents happen.” She whispered. Portia turned and after inspecting to make sure I didn't get any blood on the food, she began cutting the rest of the vegetables.

We ate in silence. I watched Portia mostly push her food around. I have to admit it turned out pretty good. Portia ate a quarter of her plate. She looked up sadly at me.

“I'm full” She whispered.

“Thats okay.” I said. I thought of the muffin she ate for breakfast and the bowl of fruit for lunch. Her stomach must be shocked at the amount of food it had taken in today. She forced a smile as she stood up to put everything away. I stood and placed a hand on her shoulder she turned around with tears in her eyes.

“I know it's hard for you. I know how strong you are just from the effort you're putting into this. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy you're doing this. And you, Portia De Rossi, are so fucking beautiful.” I said lightly. She smiled and kissed me lightly.

“Thank you” She whispered.

Portia's POV

I woke up wrapped tightly in my blanket. The soft material rubbing on my bare skin. I turned to see Ellen, but she wasn't there. I stared at the empty space where she should be for a few moments. Of course she wasn't there. Deep down I knew it was only a matter of time before she realized I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worth her time. This knowledge didn't stop the tears from burning in my eyes again. I grabbed her pillow and buried my face in it. It smelt like her and that only brought on the tears harder. I allowed myself to sob into her pillow as I curled around it. She left me, my only shot at happiness left me here all alone, secured in my blanket.

“Portia?” Ellen's voice was soft but I still jumped. I turned to face her, my face soaked with my tears.

“I.. I thought you left me.” I sobbed. She rushed over, placing a plate on my bedside table and scooping me into her arms.

“No baby, no. I'm here.” She whispered, kissing my head. “I just wanted.. I made you breakfast. I wanted to give you breakfast in bed.” She said kissing my face. I looked over at the plate of scrambled egg and 3 pieces of practically burnt bacon. I kissed her lightly before leaning over her and grabbing a piece of bacon. Before I thought to much about it I stuffed it into my mouth. If this would keep Ellen with me, then I would just be fat and have her with me. She smiled and kissed my nose.

“Sorry I kinda burnt it.” She said lightly and then shrugged. “I'm not a great cook” She chuckled.

“It just the way I like it.” I said forcing a smile. Bacon was so fattening. She grinned.

“Liar” She chuckled kissing my head. “But I appreciate you trying though.” She said.

She passed the plate and I sat it on my lap as I leaned back against my pillow. She slowly stroked my naked torso as I ate. As I picked up the fork and forced the eggs into my mouth I looked over at her. She was staring at my ribs with a concentrated face as she traced them.

“What are you thinking?” I whispered.

“How unforgiving this illness is... how it could happen to someone as beautiful and sweet as you.” She said not breaking her concentration on my body. I still didn't think I was sick. I knew she thought I was so I didn't say anything. I just nodded slightly. She leaned down and kissed each rib individually. I was very rapidly losing my appetite. It was strange that before I couldn't stop myself once I started. Now with the guarantee that I would be eating more later, I lost my hunger after a few bites. I shoveled the last bite into my mouth and held the plate up to her inspection. She took the plate and placed it on the bedside table again before pulling me on top of her.

“Good, now I get to really wish you a good morning.” She said kissing me roughly.

Ellen's POV

I sat behind my camera. I had another client today and Portia had the day off. I had to admit it worried me. The idea of her sitting alone all day. The model was getting touched up and slid off her robe again. She was only wearing a tight pair of boxers and she grinned at me before crossing her arms over her breast. She was thin, but not to thin. More muscular than anything. I shook my head to stop myself from looking at her body.

The day passed so slow it seemed. I was happy when we all were walking out the door. I turned on my cell phone and almost immediately texts flowed in. I opened my messenger with a feeling of dread they were all Portia.

El... What are we? Are we together? I sighed. I knew this conversation was coming. I wanted her, I really wanted to try a relationship with her.. But I had wanted it after she was better, but we were already in a relationship, just up until now no one had said anything.

Why aren't you answering me?

Is she prettier than me?

I bet you don't think she's sick do you?

Are you going to fuck her too?

I shut my screen off and got in the car. I was supposed to stop at Mama's after work but that would have to wait. I took a deep breath as I sped off, I prayed that she would understand that my phone was off, prayed that she would believe me.

I rushed into the house as soon as I got there and froze at the door. There was a young man picking up pieces of glass from the floor near where Portia sat, a bottle of amber liquid clenched in her fist. Her eyes were red and glossy.

“You decided not to bring her back with you?” She shot. I looked at the man who looked up at me. He coughed awkwardly.

“I'm Michael, Portia's brother... My lovely sister here is wasted as you can see.” He said pointing his hand towards Portia. I nodded slowly as he looked at her sadly then looked back at me. “and I'm guessing your Ellen.” He finished and I nodded again.

“How was she El.” The way she said my nickname was like she tasted something terrible.

“Look you should probably go. I got her tonight.” He said.

“No! I want to know!” Portia shouted over her brother.

“How was who Portia? The model, I don't even know her name. She was easy to work with, I barely had to tell her how to pose. How is she in bed? I would have absolutely no idea. Maybe you could go and ask her bodyguard of a boyfriend that sat through our shoot.” I said walking towards her.

“I'll be in the other room. Shout if you need me.” Michael mumbled before disappearing.

“Why didn't I answer your texts? I was working, my phone was off. What are we? I don't know, we would have to talk about that when you are wasted, but I was hoping this would lead into a committed relationship if it wasn't already. But this worries me. Every time we fight are you going to just get drunk? Every time I have to go to work are you going to accuse me of sleeping with my clients?” I asked before finally dropping to my knee's in front of her and reaching for her bottle.

“Was she prettier than me?” She whispered.

“I don't know. She could have been, but the thing is I wouldn't have noticed. I only notice you.” I said. She looked at the floor loosening her grip on the bottle.

“That's such a cop out answer” She mumbled.

“It's the truth.” I said pulling the bottle from her and placing it on the counter. “Did you break all your dishes?” I asked.

“Yes.” She whispered.

“Did you call your brother for help?” I whispered. She only nodded before she started crying again and falling forward clinging onto me.

“My head wouldn't stop even with all the alcohol, It wouldn't stop” She sobbed on my shoulder. I clung just as desperately to her.

“I'm here baby, I'm right here. I'm here.” I whispered rocking her against me. Her fist balled in the back of my shirt. Suddenly she pulled away and leaned away from me still not letting go. I saw her heave and burp before vomit spewed from her mouth falling to the floor.

“Okay. Alright. Let's get you in the shower cleaned up and get you into bed. Okay?” I asked. She groaned. Another burp and more vomit. I rubbed her back lightly. I scooped her up into my arms and stood. She began sobbing lightly. I walked by her brother and he looked concerned.

“She puked I just going to get her in the shower. I'll clean it up in a second.” I said.

“I got it.” He said before turning around quickly.

I placed Portia on the tub floor and turned on the shower. I stripped down and sat in front of her and slowly peeled her wet clothes off. I turned her a round until her head was under the spray of water and ran my hands through her locks.

“You're beautiful Portia. So god damn beautiful” I said lightly pulling her out of the water lathering my hands in her shampoo then slowly massaging her head. She moaned lightly leaning against me.

“I think I'm falling for you” She mumbled and I froze for a moment. I began massaging her head again and kissing her cheek.

Once I had her showered and brushed her teeth and hair I carried her to bed, tucking her in and laying next to her, stroking her arm, trying to soothe her. She snuggled closer to me and soon her breathing deepened. I slowly pulled away from her and met her brother. He was just finishing cleaning up.

“She's out.” I said lightly.

“Ellen, I think what you are trying to do is noble. I really do. But you need to leave her alone now. You can't save her and it's only going to get worse later when she is in love with you and you finally can't take it anymore.” He said leaning against the counter.

“I have no intention of leaving. With all due respect, I think I'm a better judge of what I can handle than you are.” I said, crossing my arms defensively over my chest.

“I've been trying to years. It works for a while then she goes back. These break down's they are going to become more severe and more often. I don't think you understand-”

“Why don't you let me worry about all that. I respect that you are looking out for your sister. Really it's great that you are a loving brother in the face of all this. She's going to need all of our love. Do I think she is okay? That she is miraculously better because I hold her and tell her shes beautiful? No I don't. Do I think that this is the worse part? Not even close. I'm prepared for this and I think we would be a lot more helpful as a team than you trying to spare me from the wrath of something I willingly signed up for.” I ranted. He paused for a moment then nodded walking towards me he stuck out his hand.

“Welcome aboard.”

Portia's POV

A wave of nausea woke me up. I hurriedly leaned over my side of my bed and vomited. Luckily Ellen must have had the foresight to place a bucket beside my bed. I felt her hand gently rub my back.

“Good morning” Her voice was husky and incredibly sexy. I flopped back down on my bed.

“How bad was it?” I asked inquiring about the events of the night before.

“Eh. Your typical drunk jealous girlfriend stuff. By the way in case you can't remember. I didn't sleep with anyone.” She said casually, brushing my hair away from my face. My heart fluttered at the term girlfriend.

“Am I?” I whispered, partly because my head hurt and partly because the answer terrified me.

“Are you what? Jealous? You were very jealous last night. You broke all your dishes, and your brother is sleeping on your floor.” She said kissing my temple. My heart dropped at the severity of what happened but I refused to lose focus.

“Your girlfriend?” I asked. She grinned.

“Isn't it to early for serious talks?” She asked looking at the clock and realizing the time. “Shit I have to get ready. I'm meeting that client again.” She said getting up and reaching for her pants. “I'm going to stop at my house after work to change and stuff and I was supposed to stop at my moms last night but I had to come back here so I'm going to do that tonight too.” She rambled as she struggled into her clothes. I closed my eyes and tried to battle the tears that were forming.

How stupid can you be? Of course she doesn't want you. The voice mocked me. I felt her weight on my bed and opened my eyes to see her face hovering over mine.

“I want you to be my girlfriend. So if that's what you want too, then yes, you're my girlfriend.” She said adding a cute little shrug before dropping down and planting a quick peck on my lips. “I have to go to work. My phone will be off but I'll text you after work okay? Stay away from the booze.” She said winking at me before getting up and walking towards my door. She turned around before shutting the door and smiled at me, then she was gone.

It took a few moments after her disappearance before everything settled in my brain. Slowly a smile stretched across my face and I chuckled. I slowly rolled out of bed and popped an Asprin before going to my living room. My brother curled up with a blanket on the floor. I poked him with my foot and slowly he glared up at me.

“Let's go get breakfast, then I want to go shopping. I need to get some furniture and apparently more dishes.” I said. My brother stared at me for a bit longer before sitting up.

“Are you drunk again?” He paused to look at his watch. “It's only Seven in the morning. Jesus Portia.” He groaned. I dropped to my knee's in front of him which I felt immediately in my stomach. Even the wave of nausea couldn't ruin my mood.

“She's my girlfriend Mikey. She wants me.” I said excitedly.

“Well of course she wants you, No one would stay with your drunk ass if they didn't” Mike groaned falling back on the make shift pillow which was just his folded up shirt.

“If you buy me breakfast and take my shopping I will have an actual couch for you to sleep on.” I bribed.

“You're being serious. You want to go eat and go shopping. You're really going to eat with me?” He asked sitting up and staring intently at me. I feel the tears burning in my eyes.

“She... She wants me and... She makes me want to try Mikey. She makes me feel like it does matter. She makes me feel like.. like maybe I have a shot.” I whispered.

“Well god damn.” He said with a grin. He hurriedly pulled his shirt on. “So you want to get a therapist while we're at it?” He asked. I shot him a glare.

“I can do this without one.” I said. We both stood and he reached out and I stepped into the strong arms of my brother.

“We love you Porshe. All of us.” He said lightly.

The drive to the restaurant I ranted to Mikey about how Ellen and I met. He grimaced at all the intimate details but he couldn't get the grin off his face. I knew he liked seeing me happy. I felt like nothing could stop me. I would do this no problem and once Ellen saw that I could, we would be happy. We would live happily ever after... That was until the plate of eggs and sausage landed on the table in front of me. Suddenly all I could see in my head was the calories raking up. I could see the line of grease dripping down the side of the meat. I looked up with what I can only expect was a look of horror from the look of my brother's face.

“Mikey.. I...” I stuttered.

“She's your girlfriend remember?” He asked and even that couldn't stop my heart from pounding. I stared at the food as if were I to look away it would attack me and force it's way down my throat. “And you promised you would get me a couch to sleep on if I bought you food and from all the intimate details you so lovingly shared, I'm sure Ellen would like a girl she can handle without worrying about breaking her.” My brother said, I could hear the cringe in his voice. I nodded slightly and brought a forkful of eggs up to my mouth and cringed at the taste. It tasted like fat. Like the fat that would surely crowd my thighs and belly once I ate it. I swallowed the lump and it hurt my throat and my stomach growled loving the substance that was dropping down. Of course it did, my stomach always loved the food I ate. I hated it for that. Mikey watched me closely as I let the tears fall with every bite I forced down my throat until my plate was clear.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” I said lightly.

“No you don't.” He countered and I looked up at him sadly. “Why waste a perfectly good effort. Let's just go shop and you will win this battle.” He said and I looked at him sadly. He waved the waitress over and soon we found ourselves in the store.

Looking for furniture with my goofy brother very quickly took my mind off of everything. I watched him throw himself onto countless sofa's and test how sturdy expensive coffee tables were, we ignored the dirty looks of the people working. Mike grasped me and pulled me down on his lap. I snuggled into him on the leather sofa.

“She's special to you huh?” He asked as he rubbed my back lightly. I nodded. “Well she's lucky. Cause you are an incredible girl Porshe and you're incredibly beautiful.” He said and I chuckled hiding my face against his chest.

“Are you coming on to me?” I chuckled. He grinned and pushed me playfully.

“Please, I'm not into incest.” He chuckled. I kissed his cheek and patted the couch.

“I think this one is perfect.” I said.

Ellen's POV

I rushed out of my Mama's house taking my phone from my pocket to let Portia know I was on my way. I smiled as I sent the message. It had been a good day, no jealous messages from Portia and I got to shower and visit Mama for a bit.

The drive back to Portia's house was practically uneventful except for that one asshole who cut me off. I ran up and knocked on the door before walking in. I was greeted at the door by Portia colliding with me and wrapping her arms tightly around my neck and kissing me as if she hadn't seen me in years.

“Hey” She whispered as she placed her head against my shoulder. I rocked her lightly as I held her.

“Hey” I whispered back. The most amazing smell was wafting through the house. I looked curiously at Portia.

“Mikey and I have been busy all day, we went and got breakfast and I got furniture and now we have been cooking.” She told me and I smiled kissing her lips lightly.

“Sounds like a great day.” I said. She grabbed my hand enthusiastically and drug me into the living room. It was actually complete now, a couch and recliner set with a TV and a stack of DVD's beside the DVD player.

“So we can watch movies together now.” She explained and I nodded.

“I'll have to go pick up some wine.” I said kissing her blonde hair over her temple.

“Already done. And... I got us a new bed, like our bed.” She said shyly looking down at the floor. My heart dropped slightly. This was moving to fast. This was becoming her main focus, everything was fine now but it was still new. I forced a smile and kissed her nose.

“That's sweet baby” I said lightly. She smiled and wrapped her arms tightly around me.

“Porshe are you helping or what?” Michael called from the kitchen.

“Give me a second!” Portia called back, capturing my lips and kissing me with such intensity it didn't take long for the pit of my stomach to erupt into an inferno. Portia slowly walked us backwards, my hands tangled in her hair and hers gripping the back of my shirt tightly. Once we crossed the threshold of her room she shut her door but kicking it closed.

“Aren't you... Supposed to be... helping him?” I asked between her kisses, her hands were unbuttoning my shirt quickly.

“He can wait” She said pushing my shirt from my shoulders. I wanted to hesitate but then she lifted her own shirt over her head and I lost my internal war. I lifted her easily and placed her on her bed. She squirmed slightly over the new silk cover. I covered her pulse point with my lips and her nails scrapped down my back before covering the clasp of my bra. She groaned as I nipped her neck as she took my bra off. My hand trailed down her side, over the side of her breast, feeling the hard bone protruding from her rib cage, and down her sunken stomach. It reminded me of where we were, what was happening and I hesitated for a moment. Portia was to lost in her erotic haze to notice. She pushed her hips up trying to meet me, as I easily popped the button of her pants. She groaned my name as I very slowly slid down her zipper.

“Portia! Are you coming or what?” Mike shouted from the kitchen and I froze.

“Give me a minute!” She shouted back and pulled herself up to meet my lips again. “Please El, I wanna break this bed in.” She said with a wink. I groaned looking down at this beautiful, albeit sick, practically naked woman in front of me.

“Shouldn't we wait until I have more time with you? Then our first time on this bed doesn't have to be rushed.?” I asked. Her lips slowly formed a pout.

“But I need you...” She said sadly and I watched the flash of self-doubt cross her eyes. I took her hand and pushed her inside my pants.

“I think you can feel how bad I want you too right now.” I whispered as she touched me, her fingers slowly rubbed my clit and I growled at the sensation that shot through my body.

“I don't want to wait.” She whispered as she sunk her fingers into me. I gasped as she filled me and bit down on her neck to keep from screaming at the exquisite feeling filling me very quickly. “Tell me to stop and I will” She whispered, I could hear the chuckle in her voice, she knew she had me now as my hips bucked to meet her every thrust.

“Please... Please don't stop” I begged and she used her free hand to lift my face to hers and she captured my lips hungrily as she pounded into me. She swallowed my moans and shouts as I came hard around her. I screamed out her name before I collapsed on top of her.

“You are so sexy” She groaned kissing my head, before I slowly rolled off her, afraid I would break her. She snuggled up next to me and I easily pulled her on top of me and she grinned leaning down to kiss me.

“Your turn” I whispered against her lips.

We sat down awkwardly at the dinner table after Michael called us. I self-consciously ran my fingers through my hair trying to flatten it and picked at my clothes. I expertly avoided making eye contact with him and I would catch Portia chucking at my efforts.

I watched her smile falter as Michael placed her plate in front of her. She looked at the salad covered with dressing and the steak grilled to perfection and a pile of mashed potato’s. She took a deep breath before smiling up at me and picking up her fork.

“How was work today baby?” She asked stabbing the salad with her fork before placing it in her mouth.

“Pretty boring. But I think we are almost done this campaign” I said cutting into my steak.

The rest of dinner was pretty silent, Portia ate her salad a couple mouthful's of potato's and a few pieces of steak. It wasn't a lot but it was something.. I was very quickly learning the meaning of picking your battles.

We spent the night cuddled up on her sofa drinking a glass of wine and watching comedy movies, her head on my shoulder with her legs curled under her and an arm slung across my waist with my arm wrapped tightly around her shoulders. In this moment, it was like there was no time bomb slowly ticking, it was as if this perfection really could last forever, but deep down.. I knew it was only a matter of time.

Portia's POV

Ellen drove us into work today. I ate a few pieces of bacon today before we left, feeling the greasy fat slide down my throat and attach itself to my stomach. Felt it refusing to budge and forming a pocket of pure fat on me that no amount of crunches would cure, I felt it contaminate me. Ellen smiled with pride at this betrayal to my body. I forced a smile back, she was everything to me.

Now I stood before my mirror as the lady in charge of wardrobe struggled to pull the zipper up to this beautiful dress. I knew from the second I couldn't pull it that it would never go up. I could see the material straining against my fat, creating an obvious bulge in the front. I tried to focus only on my gray eyes watering.

You fucking fat ass. You love your job so much but who will ever hire you like this? You fucking fat dyke. I hope you are okay living off that girl who made you fat. I bet she will leave you now. She won't want to touch all that gooey fat clinging to your body. Look at yourself... I SAID LOOK AT YOURSELF! I looked down to my stomach and my bare thighs. My chest heaved with a sob. You did this. This is your fault. You stupid fat dyke. No one will ever want you. You are not thin, you are not beautiful, you have no control. You. Are. Completely. Worthless.

“Huh, seems I messed up the measurements on this one.” She said, finally giving up on the zipper.

“No.. I gained weight.” I said, trying hard not to cry. Her eyes widened as she looked at me.

“Are you pregnant?” She asked and it felt like a blow to the chest. I just shook my head before peeling the material off me and putting my sweats and over-sized tee back on.

“No... Just fat” I mumbled before leaving the room.

Ellen's POV

I sat with the crew for lighting, we joked about some of the people we have worked with in the past and took bites from the breakfast table. I worried about Portia taking so long, I hoped she was fine with whatever was going on back there. I noticed the pain in her eyes this morning, as she ate. The familiar pained look that normally occurred before something bad happened.

I noticed Portia coming towards us in the same outfit she showed up in. I looked at her confused before excusing myself and moving towards her. She stopped dead a few feet in front of me, and now I could clearly see the storm raging behind her eyes. I reached out to pull her against me to comfort her but she backed away from me.

“This is your fault!” She screamed at me.

“Wha-”

“Are you happy now that I'm so fucking fat? That you have ruined my career? Does it make you feel big now that this poor little model girl has to rely on you? You are seriously fucked up! You never cared at all did you?” She screamed.

“Portia what are you talking about?” I pleaded. I could feel the guys eyes burning on us. She grabbed onto the skin of her stomach, pulling on it trying to stretch it out in front of me.

“This! You did this and now the dress wont fit! Who will hire this fat ass? Huh? You don't care do you? Fuck you!” She shouted and turned on her heel. I quickly grabbed her arm and tried to pull her back. She turned around and I felt her palm collide with my face. My cheek throbbed and burned from the force of the slap. She seemed surprised herself for a moment and her mouth hung open.

“You know what? You need help. I can't do this. I'm sorry. This is way to much. You need help and I tried. Portia I really fucking tried. I thought I could handle this. I thought you were ready and I thought I could be enough. But I guess not.” I shook my head at the look of complete heartbreak in her eyes. I turned and looked at the crew. “Everyone go home, obviously we are getting nothing done today.” I sighed. I walked back to my camera and started to dismantle it.

“Ellen wait, I'm sorry-” She began

“No, I'm done of this. I am packing up this camera, I am going home. Get a therapist. Go to rehab, do something and maybe your next partner won't have to put up with this bullshit and you can have a god damn relationship that will fucking work.” with that last word I zipped my book bag and threw it over my shoulder and walked by her.

“Ellen I love you!” She called after me. It froze me in spot for a second.

“No.. No Portia, you want to love me, but you are to in love with the part of you that hates yourself to ever really love me.” I said lightly before pushing the door to exit.

Portia's POV

I crumbled to the floor once Ellen walked out the door. She had left me. She had left me alone with the biggest bully I have ever faced, bigger than the kids at school that would poke my chubby belly and laugh at it as it shook, or the boys who would scream and gag when they were dared to kiss me or the girls who would cut my clothes in the locker room during gym. She left me alone with myself. I knew she was right. As much as I hated that bully inside my head. I loved it. It was almost like my soul mate. Maybe it was my soul mate.

A young man came to try to help me up and I screamed at him to leave me alone. He took a few steps back before muttering an apology. I folded in on myself. I let myself sob, not caring what anyone in the room thought. Not caring that this was my place of work and I needed to appear professional. This voice inside me won every time, it ruined everything good for me and the worse part, the part that hurt the most is, I allowed it every single time.

I fell into the arms of the harsh words, I cried on the shoulder of the source of my heartbreak. Even now, I begged for the voice. I begged it to come because I could handle it telling me how worthless I am, but I couldn't handle the thought running threw my head on repeat. Ellen left and she wasn't coming back. Yet, my head stayed silent. The voice knew. It knew that this was worse than anything it could ever say, knew that this was the way to destroy me quickly and it would work. Fuck I need help...